Milenyal banter

I promised myself that I wouldn't post anything about the recent storm that ravaged the city. Everybody would have anyway so thus, the promise. But then my fingers has this itch for online activity. So here I am posting about this almost armageddon named Milenyo or Xangsane as known internationally. Don't worry, these are mostly pointless banter.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Most phenomenona of natural disaster in nature brings out a lot in people or in society. It could bring out the best or even the most vile. Whatever it may be, whether we like it or not, we can never deny its power to affect people in any gargantuan or miniscule way. This storm that made its transit right smack through our capital, a place with boorish pride, undeniably knocked down the city to its knees.

It may have spawned fear. Agony and sadness. Itmay also have also spawned jubilant faces of another day off from school and work. Mostly, it was a time to go back to basics and value simple things that was taken for granted untill the storm hit. People, without anything better to do, came out the streets and started chatting with neighbors and creating a lot of ruckus. Funny, coz it hasn't happened for years now. Family and friends was able get some time of from the daily routine and finally do what they wanted to do when they were busy. Files and clutters were arranged and organized. Relationships were restored and reignited. Books were read, sleep were slept and dreams were dreamed.

A break from the routine and boring. An opening for desries to be fulfilled. To reconnect. To rest. To rearrange and reasses. To step down from a cloud or a tree. No matter what it is. It was a storm that everybody greatly needed (exception to those who lost their lives and homes).

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Yes the storm was a bitch. I woke up that day with the wind slapping the window. Silence inside the room. Chaos outside. The fan wasn't working so I figured the power is out. I never realized that it would be out for more than a day. I checked my phone for anything and LOW BATT was flashing on the lcd screen. SHIT! I checked my palm and the battery is halfway spent already. I felt stupid not charging up the night before knowing that the battery of my phone would be dead anytime the next day. And it died early in the afternoon.

Lunch was like an avante-garde movie. Imagine me eating lunch. Imagine me seated with bay windows behind me. Then imagine the wind wreaking havoc just outside that window. Then Imagine the stillness while I was eating inside. It felt quite absurd.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Since the power was out during the evening, all I had as entertainment were candles and mosquitos. I tried reading books against the candlelight, but I only got a headache. I just tried enjoying the stillness. Brought outside a candle on the front porch. And just breathing in the darkness and quietness of the surroundings. I thought I saw something moving up in the trees with bright eyes but tried ignoring it for a while. I don't need anything like that at that time.

I wish I had power and was able to catch pictures of candlelight. Shit!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Since the power was out and as well as running water supply, you can imagine how a person can get very sticky and icky. I just coulnd't help but to go outside when it started to rain hard last night. I bathed in the rain and squeezed it out for all its worth. Brings back memories actually. When I was younger, I loved bathing in the rain. One of my favorite things. That may be the reason for my soft spot for rain. threw everything away, inhibitions and self control and just enjoyed the droplets make my body damp and wash away the filth. I felt the stars peeking out of the clouds and the gnomes and other creatures of the dark. I just went on and did a wonderful performance that you see once in a lifetime. Nothing obscene.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

When the power went back on it is as if a farytale has ended. That for a day and a half, the world stopped turning and stopped time and space. As if a rip in space has been created and weird things happened. It is something that a busy buzzing city never expected but secretly asked for in their bedtime prayers. Secret desires were met while this rip was in place. An early halloween treat for ghost and ghouls and the seemingly ghostly existence. And since the world starts to turn again, the fabric in time is mended, leaving in its wake the aftermath of people catching up from things lost and things regained. Until the next time-space warp.

Fine is good

Damn! Something so simple for me became a lot more complicated. In the second session of our workshop, we were fortunate enough to have the honor of a Srilankan international photographer who is somewhat based here in Manila, Tilak Hettige, to do a morning lecture and do some coaching for us since he is around this week. This is an honor apparently since he isn't around the philippines that frequently nowadays. So yay, right? Besides his difficult to understand accent he was very inspiring. So I guess it's a yay.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Most of the lecture involved a lot of AVP's about his works that showcases his styles and techniques with a lot of tips. And I must say, his photographs are total drool-worthy materials. And I couldn't even believe that he primarily uses film cameras. Which leaves image retouching through photoshop or other softwares out of the question. The challenge is that we just have to have this critical eye that sees beauty in everything, no matter how ugly everyone thinks a thing is. So, that makes things difficult since we are used taking photos of things that we see as beautiful. It is a difficult thing to make something ugly into a beautiful masterpiece. (mental voice: Eh paano kung pangit lang talaga siya!?!?!?)

Later in the morning we were thrown into the almost midday heat to take photos. We were no more than 10 seconds outside the lecture room and we were sweating like pigs. We were divided into big groups and were assigned a single subject per group. Our subject was this Aloe Vera plant with bushes clustered around it. Geezuz! It's a big clump of green all over. What's interesting about that??? Then Mr. Hettige explained that we have to find what is interesting about it. Perhaps, the thorns that protrudes on the sides of the leaves? Yeah, but the light is not flattering anything about it, so what now? Then he explained that the light then flatters the slight tint of yellow on the sides. Then he asked if we could see it. We were all staring blankly with "uhhhm.. okay..." coming out of our mouths. He then left us alone to do the assignment and instruced us that we could wander around to get photos of other subjects after getting enough photos of the plant.

The situation of our groupings is quite frustrating. We were at least 10 in the group and were supposed to just use one camera from somebody. The problem is, most of my groupmates have digitals and started shooting with their own anyway. Leaving us film users just standing there doing nothing since we weren't given any film to use. Everybody just clustered around the plant and started shooting, while the other non-digital people were directing and instructing people who are shooting what he/she can do. Ideas and watchamacallit's started to saturate around them and condensed into a cloud, blanketing everyone. (susmaryuseyp! ang daming Bibo!) I decided to just stay in the background and chat up other classmates who are in the same bind as I am. I just followed around, lagging behind.

Until I saw this scene and quickly grabbed my phone and took a quick snapshot:


The one by the arc is Mel my seatmate while the man whose back is turned to us is Lesh, the guy from Malaysia. Because of the midday lighthing some parts of the picture are washed out. But, since I only used a camera from a phone, I couldn't complain.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The day wasn't that really frustrating. Remember my dread about last weeks practice shoot? Well, some photos turned out fine. With a sigh of relief, I thanked the high heavens things weren't worse for me, unlike my other classmates. In the afternoon, we had a lecture about composition. We had our best photos from last week posted on the whiteboard for everyone to critique. My photo was not the bestseller (the others' were enthralling, which makes me question the authenticity of these photos. Something is not right about these picture but i got no proof) but when the lecturer did an individual critique of the photos my shot was one of the images that stood out for the lecturer. It was praised for a good technique and exposure and it said that it has very good composition. Which made her ask if it was my first time to attend a class about photography. When I replied with a yes, she gave me a doubtful look and expressed that she doesn't think so. Uuuuuyyy..... propeyshonal daw! harhar!

So we had another round of practice shooting late in the afternoon and found some interesting places to shoot in. I still might feel some dread about the outcome of my photos yet, I'm still confident that everything will be fine. Not sure if it would be great, but at least it's fine. Fine is good.

rambling on

Due to lack of a travelling companion and for the lack of knowledge of getting to the area and the area itself, I accompanied my sister to Cubao. I am her everlasting slave.

and the ramblings...

I got to ride the MRT again after so many months and it still hasn't lost its charm with me. It is still one of my favorite public transportation. Then we went in Gateway Mall. And Lo and Behold! we are suddenly bombarded with people, with ages ranging from 12 - 21, wearing red. We got annoyed actually, we did not know what was going on. It is as if there was a presidential decree that all shall wear red on that day and everyone conspired against us. What adds to the irateness is that a flow of people in red seems never ending. You see them up and down the escalator. you seem the strolling in droves. (Parang may nag-sabi na last day na ang mag-red nung araw na yun at bawal na siya next day!)

Anyway, Yesterday was my first time checking out the new LRT2. And boy, was it a surprise for me. It was amazing! It is as if you could forget that you were in the grime infested city of Metro Manila and for a second you might mistake it for a train station in Singapore. I might be exaggerating but that was what I felt. Inside the train you could actually feel the difference of temperature. You know that the airconditioning works regardless of how many people are on board or no matter how sunny it is that day. The station itself was cool. I was compelled to take pictures but, thought otherwise. And you buy tickets from a vending machine! The only problem with that would be the machine being bugged and eat your money. Another convenience in public transportation achieved. Though I wonder, does the route the LRT2 service need it? I don't think the area badly needs it. They should contemplate on having something like that to extend up to the south then it would be perfect. And I wonder how long could they make it stay clean and orderly like the way it is now?

My sister expressed her desire to shop for shoes in Marikina Shoe Expo or Cubao X. But, realizing that we are pressed for time that day, we had to tuck it back in our to do list and save it for another day of exploits.

Fragmented thoughts about last sunday

Yesterday was the first day of my photography workshop. I had to wake up very early in the morning (ungodly hours in my world) since session starts at 9am. And since I am usually a night owl, I was not able to get any sleep. When I was about to doze off into Lala Land the alarm went off. Great. Knowing that it is the first day and a very important part of my life, I just went on without sleep. Imagine me going through the whole day workshop without any sleep, groggy. Imagine a day long lecture. Imagine me in it. Yep, I almost fell off the chair. Luckily the class was very interesting to keep me barely awake.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

On my way to the workshop the bus passed by the new School of Design and Arts Building of Benilde due to a surprise detour c/o the Bar Examinees. The segment of Taft avenue in front of La Salle is closed to give way for the law students to lose their wits in. And so I saw this still underconstructed campus. Geez! The building was extremely massive! I couldn't wait to see it finished. It is said that the building would be the most advanced arts building in Asia. (will house a number of theaters, galleries, studios, workrooms and of course, classrooms) Well, yeah I guess there are some exagerrations in the claim, but still it is not impossible, seeing the size of the infrastructure. Even if you combine the main CSB building and Angelo King Center it wouldn't still be enough. And yes, there will be parking! Seeing the still to be finished building made me want to enroll and study there again to just experience the building. Waaaah!!! life is so unfair.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I had to walk through half of intramuros just to get to the workshop venue. I didn't know that the place is a residential area as well. I felt like walking through the streets of tondo. Everybody was alive and noisy like buzzing bees so early in the morning.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

In the workshop, we are a very homogenous group. Each person comes from a very different background and industry. Our ages span from high school to gramps. There is an Indian and 2 Malaysians participating. People from provinces and kikays. oh, There are a handful cuties too. harhar.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It was very very hot, sunny humid when the workshop started. Then when we were sent out to do some practice shooting the sun bid thee us well and hid behind thick, damp clouds. With occasional lightnings slicing through these symbols of gloom and cleansing. We had to do our assignment shots in a hurry just to beat the rain. We had to compel the mamang kutsero to ride through the corner to take a shot of him moving. We were compelled to pay him Php10 per shot as well. Then we saw a co-classmate shooting another Mr. kutsero for free. Aargh!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dread: it is something you feel when you sense that something nefarious is going to happen. Dread is what we, film users, feel about our roll of film and the thought of seeing how it will turn out next session. The workshop does the processing for us so we have to wait till the next session (after a week) to see the results. Damn digital users and their perks!

Fruits of My Online Addiction

Presenting the fruits of my online addiction.

If you have been reading my entries, I have mentioned that I have been immersing myself in online gaming. Well, here it is, one of my characters in World of Warcraft.

This is SheeRa, a Paladin.

She hates undead minions and makes sure she smites them with her might and holy judgment whenever she sees one crossing her path. She makes a good tank. It takes more than just an army to take her down. hehe, well, just a little bit.


Good thing we gound out about one of those free servers. But, I am still much enjoying the real world, mind you. this just makes a perfect pastime.

they always say that stupidity doesn't have a place in this world. But, so far it's a big hit.

The Shadow Roars!

I just like this picture that I took with one of our cats here at home. Just wanted to share it. Her name is Shadow. I christened her with that name because she is all dark-colored similar to a Hyena's. Then when she arrived in our yard, she would be wary of people around her, hiding in every crevice, nook and cranny just to evade any moving bodies. Sort of like a Ninja. An unknown warrior with unknown purpose and name. Nobody knows how old she is or where she came from. Just lurking around Shadows. harhar. She now resides in our yard and has already warmed up and learned to trust us. She loves cuddling with people.

Life in stereo

I miss listening to stereos. Those bulky boxes that adorn livingrooms and bedrooms. The ones that you see in movies and television shows where they crank up the volume and party the night away while having profound epiphanies which end in disasters. I have one in my room. A stereo/amplifier kind of sorts. But it is all busted up now. No thanks to the house help's clandestine usage of it. Funny enough, we don't even bother having it fixed. Not a care in the world. We just watch it gather dust like a child seeing snow for the first time.

I blame humanity's new found reliance to the wonders of technology. Today, we could always count on our computers and MP3 players (the gorgeous but ghastly IPod) to satisfy any musical cravings that we may have churning our insides. It's like feeding your beloved rabid dog with class A caviar. Even if it is more expensive. We could always buy stereos now anywhere. On the streets of the metro and stalls in Tiangges and flea markets. We could even buy it in groceries in a very cheap price. The same price as buying a bunch of CD's in one go. But we don't buy them. Instead, we rally to the nearest fancy electronics store and complain about the overpriced device but hook up with it anyway, learning the power of credit along with it.

Stereos still has, and will always have this old charm. Listening to it during an afternoon spell or even while it lulls you to sleep at night. Letting the music escape through the circular speakers and fill the room a certain kind of vibe. Letting the music dance around the room as if to celebrate its liberation from an oppressive box. As you get entranced with the dance and let you slip away and dream dreams that you haven't seen before.

I guess music is an experience. Lately we only hear or listen to music, even dance with the beat. But we don't really experience it. I have been told that tracks in a CD is arranged in a certain way because it has to be listened that way. The arrangement maximizes what the musician wants. It was i suppose meant to take us away to someplace else and see visions. Whatever that means. Though i agree. It is nice to listen to CD's from the first to last track. sometimes I come back panting. But now, with a million assorted songs at our disposal, we get shorter attention spans and get bored and move on to the next song we seem to like listening next. We get fragmented and disconnected. We do not have value to anything and anything is subject to disposal at the end of brief lives. Like nothing matters anymore and everything are just mere objects.

And then I am just rambling. I do not know where this is headed. Although, what i know is that if you like the IPod just because it maximizes your cow licks or it really goes well with your bag and you feel you really look happening with headphones placed in your ear eventhough music is not playing, you might as well have just skipped this post and went on with your life. hehehe.

Vigor have crept up the ceiling. Some are hiding high above, behind the curtain the others lurking behind closets, crouching with hands covering their heads eluding a feral beast. Energy has decided to relive second chilhoods and played hide-and-seek. The dampness of the august rain hovers above roofs like a cloud from where it came from and settled down on every imaginable crevice. Leaving thin strips of ribbon on the gutter. Slithering away to look for a nest. Effervescent. Gray. Dirty.

I die from non-activity. Swirling, spiraling into a forced stupor.

hey listen...

I have been going over stuff I have posted in a blog in my networking site account. I was just surprised to have encountered a post that I made years ago. Ho-hum... To be young and so emo, words coming from Ingrid, who is a friend of mine. Yes, youth can be sweet yet, tumultuous at times. An oxymoron. An irony. A sarcasm. Confusing times as it may seem but, youth is delightfully chaotic.

Here is the post as written:

hey Listen!

i have come to think that i am getting nowhere with my creative writing. i hone myself and create endlessly and yet, nothing. even with my visual arts.

sometimes i wonder why i keep on writing with no readers, no addresee's, no critics. it seems all just a waste of my time and energy.

i also wonder why i keep on wasting money with rolls of film and processing expenses. i wonder why i bother to compose images in my minds eye without anyone receiving my messages that are conveyed. not even just appreciation of aesthetic elements of my products.

i'm an arrow that soars endlessly, seeking a target that is not there to begin with. or is it that this aspiration will not be satisfied? am i just like a child that reaches for the brilliance of the dancing stars?

is it just out of my league? not meant to be?

i need to do some evaluation. i need to find something. eventhough i don't know yet what that something is. i will still try to find it. whatever it is. i hope luck is on my side.

oh, yes.... what was I thinking??? Still, years later I find myself still pushing through it all. An arrow still looking for its target. Aspiring without the hope of satisfaction. An adult now yet still has this child within reaching for the dancing stars above. Only faith I guess guides me through. That's all I have for now. Geez... I'm not getting any younger, I'm at my wit's end. Save me!

O.D. on Drugs

Nope, I did not overdose on drugs. It was rather an Odd Dream on drugs, among other oddities frolicking inside this thick head of mine. It was quite a lucid dream if you ask me. The sensations that rushed through my skin, the smell that wafts around my nose hairs, the uproaring feeling just underneath the skin writhes and rolls around as it refuses to depart my consciousness into the realm of the oblivion. It still lingers around my brain as I write.

To give closure to these shenanigans, I will try to recall some of them. These dreams are so crazy, so don't blame me if you develop something vile from reading this. Consider yourself forewarned.


Dream #1:

I was supposedly reading a piece of literature outfront at home, with a cigarette between my fingers. It was a dreary and cloudy mid-afternoon. A breeze was constantly blowing, making my skin cool to the touch. Then came a black car and parked just outside our gate. Then came down a gorgeous person (I actually recognized the person, I'll just keep it a secret) rushing towards me. I was surprised at this unexpected arrival and as I looked into the person's eyes I saw desire and a certain kind of intensity that heats up the air around. A feeble, "what are you doing here?" came out of my mouth as the person approached me. In reply, the person (here's the eeew, corny, baduy part...) pressed
an index finger on my lips and said "I don't give a shit what they say!" with such power I could feel fire rushing through every inch of my veins that made my blood boil. Then the person locked lips with me as both our bloods boil in unison, passion spilling over the pores of our skin flooding the place around us with warm energy. Ruffling each other's hair, crushing each other's bones and skin.

-END-

I can still feel the soreness on my lips. tee-hee. Yeah, I know the person, and I guess I am crunching. Though, I don't even hope to be with the person. Unless the person would start being less than gorgeous, I don't even stand a chance on getting the time of day. It will just remain perhaps, a figment of my dreams. harhar...

Dream #2:

I was in a dark and posh apartment. I figured it was posh because of the furnishings that surrounded me, very Rockstar + Bobby Trendy kind of way. I am aligned with people forming a not so perfect circle in the middle of the living room. People had smiles on their faces in an evil kind of way and was passing around tubes containing a viscuous clear liquid. I did not recall that I know these people in real life. In the dream I understood it was some kind of new drug, like liquid Cocaine. Everybody was getting their own tubes and breaking them in the middle and dumping this liquid into their mouths as they get high. I followed suit and took one into my mouth. Though I am enjoying myself, I started getting bored with the dope and one of the people in the circle, probably the rich person who owned the place, noticed me. Then he reached out somewhere and took out a syringe filled with heroin. Oh my Gawwd! Then the leader of the pack approached me and took my arm and started slapping behind my elbow trying to look for a prominent vein. Afterwards the guy stuck in the needle and injected the Heroin inside me. I was writhing in ecstasy, sort of like that. I couldn't describe how I reacted to it. It was so sublime. The world around me started to drift away, and my whole body was quivering like hell. There was a faint buzzing sound ringing in my ears and I was screaming in delight. Then after 30 secs. it was all over as people around me were staring at me with satisfied yet evil eyes.

-END-

Well, yeah. I should not read Trainspotting again. That was the last scene in my dream before waking up. The dream was so lucid I felt that the heroin that was injected into me was still in my veins. I lost all sense of reality and confused the dream for something real. It took me a while until I was able to get up from bed, still shivering from the last dream. I don't know what these dream meant but, hell it was reall crazy. It just comes to show that I am at the edge of insanity. Harhar.

Ok. you can throw stones at me now...

Wow, Lemonade

Currently I am exploring the wonders of World of Warcraft. So far I am getting addicted to it. I hereby bid my very blissful non-moving life farewell and say hello again to the world of online gaming. A very sweet counter-productive activity. Adios! My minions are waiting for me. tee-hee...

This game really takes me away from my muse and the conscience that kicks my butt to make me do something productive.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If life gives you lemons, then make lemonade. Then try to find somebody whose life gives them vodka and have a party.

-=*The person who said this eludes my memory. I'll get back on this when I recall who said it.=-

goatees and spectacles

Friday night:

A friend texted that he couldn't help telling me that I remind him of Project Runway. I replied with a "Let me guess, Jay McCarroll?". Sure, I couldn't hold it against him. Opinions should be respected. But, if people around you (not just one) like friends and family share the same thoughts, clearly it's telling something to you.

Then a follow up text came, about how this guy in glasses in a pepsi commercial hollering "hallelujiah" reminded them of me. And then right after came, "Sorry, it's the glasses and the 'Chin pubes' (goatee)".

Really?

I admit I see the resemblance they are pointing out but is it a bad or good thing? I wouldn't mind being mistaken for an artistic genious in the fashion scene (i loved his art deco dress, among others). It's just disturbing, I think.

I'm a type of person who tries to reinvent himself a lot of times. I try to find something different and vibrant. I take in everything around me from all shapes, sizes and color and whip out something different (nothing really brilliant) or ironic or whatever works for me. I get tired of following rules and norms and break them (once in a while) instead. Just to break the monotony.

But now the world has caught up on me. Perhaps I retreated into my own little shell for too long. Or maybe the world got too small and boring. It seems that it takes so much more to move people nowadays. Where a tinge of excitement seems a luxury.

Well, I guess I just have to drop those dark-rimmed glasses of mine and stow it away now. I got bored with it anyway.

of dreams and sparks

When I was younger, ( i still am, mind you) all I ever dreamed of is to have a career where my strengths are put into good use. I wasn't ambitious enough to dream of a six-figure salary. The only requirements that should be met would be that: [a.] I could wear anything that I want to work and [b.] that I could occassionally hang out in public commercial places for brunch on a weekday or even perhaps, [c.] go on an impromptu out of town road trip and breathe fresh air during work hours.

Now that I am older ( a little older, tee-hee), I realized that this lifestyle I wanted was all but just a distant dream. Time has passed and things have definitely changed. If it is for better or for worse, only God knows the answer. It turns out that in order for this dream to take shape is either to have a very lucrative early retirement or be an heir to a business magnate which is of course, a fruit falling far off from its tree. Therefore, I have to dream up a six-figure salary dream and draw out other different kinds of dreams in the process.

But, (there's always a but) life has been always a series of struggles and adversities with a promise of bliss and merrymaking at the end of a thorny rainbow. There is always a balance of Yin and Yang or an intricate web of divine plans. Nobody really gets what they want all the time (unless you are a really, really spoiled brat). What people really get is what they need and receiving what is essential for us would be in the best of our interests, right?

This does not mean that ceasing to dream is the best course of action. Dreaming is what makes men very special creatures. It is a manifestation of that divine spark that we posses. The spark that can part seas and move mountains. It is about rolling with the punches and receiving blows once in a while.

So, here I am still holding on to a handful of dreams with the hope of at least one coming into fruition. Not a single soul knows where it may bring me and my end destination still looks like a broad horizon to me. Onwards I go. Who knows? I might end up with a very lucrative retirement after all.

Photo journal: words and images

From now on I will be using images occasionally as a blog entry. Sometimes I can express myself freely through images when words can only speak only so much. Sometimes, pictures can impart my current state of self (emotions, stream of conciousness, mindset) better than even (warning: Cliche) millions of words. Therefore, Each Photo being uploaded here from now on, besides the fact of my desire to share them (except for other photos), represents who I am or what I am thinking. A metaphor for endless thoughts that I may have. An example of this would be the posted image above. hehe. And of course, I shouldn't be explaining myself to you. It is a free world after all.

Sister's wedding prep update

As I have mentioned in my previous entry, I have been helping my sister with her wedding preparations. This time, our latest accomplishment is this save the date card that I made to be sent out to principal sponsors and people she has to inform that are out of the country(as i have understood of the purpose of it).

I had to shoot a lot of photos of this couple in different poses. The groom is a shy person (camera shy, too), so it was difficult to get good or quirky shots from them. mostly they were uptight shots. But, eventually we were able to manage. I did the layout and design of the card through Adobe Photoshop. The colorscheme of the card is based on (obviously) the motif. Though it was hard getting the exact shades. Tee-hee.

I hope my efforts suffices.

another aimless ramble

It is tough being singled out. Specially when you yourself don't even know where to go or place yourself. A time when you wish you were anywhere but the spotlight. Yet, sometimes, sometime in your life you get this unexpected privelege. It may come from droves of people or it may come from one single soul.

Next thing you know, you are seeing hearts and arrows. You find that Cupid's bow is spinning your mind around. hehe. For the first time in your life you feel like you are something special. Not just a single star drowned out by its neighbors in the galaxy, but a Sun glowing brightly in it's own solar system.

I don't like the attention. I never liked being in the middle of a crazy world. I prefer to be projected as a stoic hermit living inside a cave with a lantern in hand, illuminating his narrow path. I may be like a hermit right now. Since, I have been lodged in the darkness for quite some time now. A swirl of confusion has been my friend, waiting for a ray of light, of clarity, to invade this intimate interaction.

And perhaps, I may be seeing this light of mine slowly integrating into existence. I may have seen this fuel that burns passion. To help me come into my perfect existence, total being. I may have an existing ride in store for me. I better stoke up the fire and bring out the special cutlery and china. Guests will arrive soon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Enough of that rubbish. I'm just giving my fingers some practice. hehehe.

I have been helping my sister with her wedding preparations and our latest accomplishment would be creating illuminaries for her reception. These small lanterns would be placed along pathways and around the pool. This will give the place an uncharacteristic glow and these things are quite romantic.

And we are proud to say that these things we made are just from scrap. yes, from recycle-able materials:

• 1.5 liter pepsi bottle (or any other plastic bottle)
• pebbles/sand from the aquarium or wherever you may find some.
• tea lights/ or any candle that you may have
  
• 1 very sharp cutter
• 1 pair of heavy duty scissors

You may want to try it yourself for a bit of spice to any deep dull and dark place you may have lying around. hehehe

It may not look so great when you see it, but it would be dark out there right? So, nobody would see the jagged edges and other imperfections. hehehe. It just glows nice. wow... me like pretty, pretty lights... I apologize for low quality sample photos.

Do you have money to spare, Mr. Koala Bear?

I have learned a valuable lesson:
I don't mix well with coffee or any caffeinated drink. Lest I suffer uncontrollable fits of insanity. I had to learn it the hard way. Like all the lessons that I have learned in life.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is just a theory but, I will try to prove it:
Wedding + Photography = Career!

And may God have mercy on my soul.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I may not be religious but, I know for a fact that God is punishing me right now. He may have his reasons that I may or may not comprehend. And I bet He's going to see it through to the end. Not that I'm complaining...

Oh, please if ever you are up there... Save me, Superman!

Soulmate on a rainy day

The sun has emerged
from the shadows of the clouds.
Warmth has crept in
to dispel the rainy day.
The Earth starts to glow again,
yet I still haven't found you.

My insides stir...

I walk among the grass,
feeling the mud under my feet.
Bathing in the dampness and filth.
Grounding my spirit.
Halting its search for you
to satiate my insides that churns madly.

Yearning for you...

Sunlight glistens on the
puddle of water.
Full of muck. Rippling waves.
I scoop water out of the puddle
with my hand, hoping to catch
a glint of light that shines.

Like the light I try to catch, I still don't have you.

Prelude

Another leaf is about to be turned over in my biological clock. It seems that I only get older but none the wiser. Tomorrow, once every year, I will be the most self-centered person alive. I deserve the right to be one once in a while. You are forewarned.

I seem to only get older, but never grown up even at the minutest bit. Everybody has their time, I say. I don't know when this time comes. It may come at the most incospicuous of times and places. With the rate that I am going, I may anticipate it in every corner, geared up for the pounce.

Although no body is ever ready.

Each time you wake up, you shed something a part of you like a serpent molting. Each waking moment embodies a different you. A side which you never knew was inside you all along.

Dreams are surreal. You never know what's true and what's not. A convergence of truth and fiction. Though there are a lot of contention which are which.

Change is a constant. It is in our selves. We learn not to antagonize it. And learn more in the process. We are caught in the tumult of an eternal waltz.

Discovery nourishes wonder. Wonder spawns delight.

A new dawn brings forth new beginnings, a penumbra of a new adventure. Each moment you open your eyes you're never the same again.

Passport Fiasco

My brother is currently getting his own passport. My sister wanted to treat us this month with a trip to Hong Kong. My mom, being the dutiful mother that she is, started to get things ready for us.

Then one night she approached me and said my passport is missing and then blames me with the infamous finger pointing. Surprised of the news, I started denying the fact while I was getting all flustered. And surely, without incurring any dissapointment from me, she doesn't listen and orders me to look for it.

And guess what?

Days later she found my passport hidden amongst the pile of rubbish inside her drawer. Under all of those, whatever they might be, papers and perhaps trash. I gave her (with feelings) an apologize-now look. And she just gave me a very very very big grin as a reply.

I hate it when she does that.

Musings of an Ant in the summertime (The Ant and I)

It was the height of summer. As expected of the season, a sweltering heat works up the neighborhood that I am living in. Seeking refuge from the scorching midday heatwave, I decided to take a whiff of a refreshing summer breeze at the porch outside the house with a cold glass of ice water in hand. Not that It would greatly affect the situation, but to at least have done something in vain than not doing something at all.

I scanned the area that surrounded me and gave a exasperated sigh. Everything in sight bathes in the radiance of the summer sun, the tall mango trees at our neighbor's lawn, the glowing street pavements even the street signs were giving off an uncharacteristic brightness. A breeze would blow once in a while, yet it doesn't appease my situation with its warm air tracing my sweat moistened skin.

"Nope." I said to myself. There's no escaping the heat.

Placing the glass on top of a black metal table on the porch with a bonsai plant in the middle, nothing great about it. It's just black. I sat down in a matching black metal lounge chair, leaning my head back. Savoring the numbness of my head. I glanced at the bonsai that was placed in the middle of the metal table and saw an ant carrying a somewhat large chunk of bread. Well, large for the ant I presume. I watched the Ant for a while and realized that it was going in circles. walking at the edge of the pot that the Bonsai plant is in. It kept on doing that fr several minutes until I decided to strike a conversation.

"Hi, Mr. Ant. I was observing you for quite some time now and it seems that you have been circling around the bonsai plant several times" I said.

"Oh yes, I did not notice you sitting there." The ant answered while taking a glance of me then resuming its circular path of walking.

I noticed a different expression from the ant's face and asked,"Might you be in a tight situation?"

"I must admit I am." He said as a matter of factly speaking.

"What is the problem then?"

"I'm lost"

"Lost?"

"Yes."

I was surprised to hear that answer. It was the first time I heard that an ant got lost. Then he went on, explaining the situation.

"Here I was carrying this great find of a food to bring back home to our hill then all of a sudden I just lost the trail that was made by my brothers and I am having a hard time locating it again. I must have strayed far since I have been trying to find the trail for a few hours already. And still I couldn't find my way back."

"whoa, quite a dilemma there." I said sincerely.

"It's nothing I should be worried about." the ant said earnestly. "I know everything will turn out fine."

"How can you be so sure?" Said I. "Nobody can be so sure that everything would be alright in the end."

The ant suddenly stopped on its tracks. Took a great look at me. He then suddenly smiled and said,"Well, nobody can be sure that everything would not be alright either. Don't you agree?"

Feeling like a debater losing an argument I just responded,"you've got a point there mister."

"Yes, I know I have a point here. Nobody knows what may come their way in the future. Life can be very capricious and give you something that you don't expect. You may like it or not, though you are powerless over it. If it gives you something pleasant then congratulations. If it gives you something bad, tough luck. We aren't in the position to complain."

The Ant placed down the large chunk of bread he was carrying and continued on,"Life is not about getting what we want and enjoying the high life. Then It would be boring that way, don't you think?"

I responded with an earnest nod, beads of sweat visibly hanging on my temples.

"Life is about how we make out of it regardless of what we have at the moment. It has a lot of twists and turns and enjoying the ride seems the most practical option to take." He then picks up his chunk of bread lying on the soil and said," So, I just keep on going. Nothing else. Besides, moping around does not solve anything. As I said, life can be fickle and perhaps it may have some sort of surprise for you as you turn a corner."

"I sure hope so..." I replied.

The ant then started walking again. Scurrying its feet. "I better get going. I've got to get this food back home. It's almost rainy season."

"Like the ants that you guys are. Always ready for the worst." I reckoned to him.

"I guess so."

"What are you going to do now? Since going around in circles is not doing you any good?" I asked.

"Walk somewhere else I believe is an obvious option."

"Why don't you try going down that pot and try heading east? I have a feeling that something's up there."

"I'll try it then. Nothing to lose. thanks."

"No Problem." I said.

The ant scurried off the pot of the bonsai plant and saw it jump off the edge of the metal table and started heading east. I tried to think about what the ant pointed out earlier while listening to the warm breeze that rustled the leaves around. I shook off the thought shaking my head."Pointless thinking is worse than not thinking at all" I said to myself.

I picked up the glass that I placed on the table, a lot of liquid has condensed on it already leaving a very wet circle on top of where it was placed. I took a sip and placed it back. I took out a pack of cigarettes, Marlboro lights, that I had in my pocket and a black lighter. I took a stick, placed it on my mouth and held the lighter close to the tip and with a deep breath and click lit the cigarette.

I followed the smoke that I blew out from my mouth and led my eyes to a mango fruit hanging on a tree. It looked that it would be ripe soon. Glowing in the brightness of summer.

tell me why

After 6 books that have been released, can you tell me why there was no mention of the main characters of Harry Potter taking a bath? The fourth book about the triwizard tournament being an exception. We found out that there is a big big big bath tub for PREFECTS only. So, do they have to be motivated by life threatening situations before they even wet their hair? Are Prefects the only one who has the right to be squeaky clean and stink-free? Why is that Hogwarts does not house any more baths that is open to the general studentry besides that of the the one only for prefects? For the professors? How about them?

Harry, living in Privet drive over the summer doesn't even go to the bathroom for anything. Surely the Dursley's would have a water closet lying around the house.

I am just so diturbed with the thought. It is just so weird that they don't even feel the need to wash away filth.

But, I have come to a conclusion... Their wands!! Though there was never any mention of them swishing around their wands onto themselves to get cleaned up though. Is it too private of a matter that you couldn't get even a hint of it that they take care of their personal hygiene?

And then I get disturbed again. Oh, the cycle... the cycle...

A Better Ressurection

I have no wit, I have no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
A lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is like the falling leaf;
O Jesus, quicken me.

~~Sylvia Plath

a slow meandering of thoughts

Sometimes when you try to do something to achieve some desired results, you have to be ready to do some risks along the way. But, whenever you let go of those risks to take its course and try not to think about it, it haunts you even more.

Even when you achieved the endpoint that you wanted, it doesn't feel the way you want it to be. It is as if those risks that you take turn the sweet taste of victory into the sour scent of guilt. Or is it guilt?

Is it guilt or a realization of the difference between black and white? A realization, that he indeed got lost. A dive into the great gray area. A person finding himself lost in the the rabid dance between the concept of right and wrong. If you're not careful enough, it may crush your bones into fine dust with a swish. Leaving you with nothing else but the jelly-knees.

I once heard that:

"Usually, people make self-destructive choices, not because we want to nor we don't have a choice. But, rather we choose to go through hell with our own doing because it feels so much better when we stop."

So does this explain my behavior assuming that i made bad choices? I hope so. Though, I believe it is more complicated than we think.

A Refute to a Previous Post

They say:
"Good things come to those who wait"

I say:
It better be. Else, the bedlam that bides its time amidst my shadow would break loose, assuming its reign.
I'm not settling for anything less.


Every person has his/her own limits. Madness awaits beyond the edge.

A dive into time

Lately, I have been going around Metro Manila with the sole purpose, i guess, is to wear out my feet and my pocket. harhar. Good thing I have my sister to run to in order to score some cash. hehe.

This morning I accompanied my sister to Paco Park to meet her potential florist and event stylist for her wedding. We were forced to catch a bus on the way there, and for the rest of the day: around town, since nobody at home including the author and the supporting character was willing to drive. Heck, we had to settle on commuting. (ang dami kasing kaartehan *wink*)

I couldn't help but notice that for me, riding the bus and walking around Manila is are is like time travel. Manila being a very old place in the Philiipines holding up bottles memories. I have perfumed and bottled memories of my own.

When we boarded the bus at the station, I couldn't help but feel a nauseating pungency of nostalgia. For five years, I had the bus to bring me to and fro school when I was in College. I recalled the different possible scenarios of a trip (weather, number of passengers, driver, etc.). Everything was so familiar yet, distant in the past.

I can still remember the light and airy , yet strong scent of newly switched on airconditioning like what I used to smell when going on field trips back in elementary. Different shapes and faces boarding the vehicle. I remember different chats with people I know to while away those long and arduous trips. How people can become close after a series of bus trips. And of course how I catch up some sleep when I get the bane of voluntary/involuntary insomnia.

I know this is a pointless and boring post but, i just couldn't let it pass. It just made me realize that growing up is inevitable. years before I was reminiscing about high school experience while riding the bus. Now, I reminisce about riding the bus itself. Funny, how life can throw you in different directions and not even noticing it until it is so far away already and you can't fall back anymore.

After paying a visit to dream land during the journey, we got to our destination in one piece. My sister got the deal that she wanted, and i got to take some interesting photographs. though, my camera is a 35mm so I couldn't upload it here till next time.

After that trip down to memory lane. My sister spilled that we had to battle out another one. She took me to Baclaran on a mission, for a gown-hunt. But, that's another story.

What's in your birthdate?

I'm sorry, but i have to post this blogthing. I was just taken aback on what it stated.

Lo and behold:

Your Birthdate: June 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm. Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche. Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Scary... yet silly...

What's in a name?

Let's take a breather from very spaced out blog entries to some of the mundane/insane aspects of life:

juno-san -- [noun]: A poltergeist sent back in time to change the course of history forever and/or A hermit living in the big city 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

seems like it. whatcha think!?

Does anyone know where they're going?

It is the week of merciless scourging of transgressors, Where filipino religious fanaticism is at its finest, where people label other people hypocrites and in turn call the other faithless waywards. I found myself catching the MRT's last trip to neverwhere. After hours of walking and aimless sauntering with a friend, I got sore feet. Dying to get it back home.

I am surrounded by a pool of empty faces yet full of thoughts. Thoughts of how to get by life, of what to eat the next day, or whatever else i may wonder of them thinking. While I, on the other hand, reflect on my own concept of divinity. It was the holy week after all.

Funny that I realize that every person may have his/her own journey to plan and think of. To be brought together by a single metaphor. Within a train that brings people to their destination. No matter how different our live were, we have a single purpose. To get to where we needed to be.
And how to get there is the challenge. And of course, where to go is the problem. Does anybody know where to go? The holy week is the time for self reflection and discovery. Other absurdities come after. Sometimes we may find our answers. Most of the time we don't. I guess how we find our answers may be part of each person's journey and enjoying that voyage is a necessity. For all we know, the answers we desperately seek may be just under our noses, reeking of its sweet elusive stench. And those answers are not meant to be discovered, but rather yearned.

I dismissed my deepening thoughts as I reached my destination. Setting it aside for another day. Then, my nose twitched.

waiting for a meteor to hit me

Over a cup of coffee and cigarettes:

The greatest enemy that you will ever have is neither your bestfriend nor your devious arch-enemy, but rather the person that you should know best, which is yourself.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

weirdly enough, i was at a coffeeshop in Alabang, alone. And for the first time in ages, I am at a loss for words regardless of the solitude that I treasure dearly.

Fortunately, a friend of mine works there as a branch manager. I got a free drink. though I have no intentions of abusing this newly discovered power. (hehehe)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Drinking the sweet-sour taste of the drink I eagerly drown myself in, I try to fade into the background. Waiting for inspiration to tap me on my shoulders.

Looking at a mini-pond with a lot swimming carps, I heaved a sigh. Wishing the world was just a big body of water. Everybody would just swim around. Drifitng left, right, up and down. Without gravity making its presence felt.

Leaves falling down around me, as if dancing along a requiem.


Good thing I have my camera fixed now. Got to go to those workshops soon. I should buy me a Flash. I love Photography. Moments captured, trapped in time and space. I wish I could be caught, too in that certain dimension once in a while.

Frozen amidst silent beauty. At a loss for words.

Finding meaning in meaning

I remember when i was back in high school, i knew someone who, after buying a glass of soda, got a 10 peso bill with his name on it after using it to pay for something months before. Coincidence or not? Either way he kept it in his wallet claiming it to be a lucky charm. To this day, i guess he still has it, though i don't know if it ever has any effect whatsoever with his life. I don't even know his number.

A lot of things may happen to us. Some just breeze by, others leave a bruise, the rest even leave a stain on our very oh so vulnerable unconscious. With all these things giving us the heads up, sometimes we try to find meaning in every single thing that ever happens. Perhaps, it is a coping mechanism of sorts? or just my mind trying to decipher fragments of my life that are left unattended, gathering dust.

Perceivably, it is one's nature to understand his environment. Although my question would always be; "are we supposed to understand?". Is it man's destiny to somehow stumble upon the formula to life's mysteries? or doomed to discover it a little too late?

sometimes we give meaning to things in order to validate that our long yearned desires are fulfilled. That down times may happen because it is what is supposed to happen in order to attain a goal.

But what if failures just happened to be failures and luck is luck? Are we then philosophizing like idiots in a lonely cage?

Sometimes we give too much meaning in every single thing that we may encounter. Regardless of the possibility of it not holding any significance to our lives. Sometimes we interpret things too much that in translating latin into english we get aramaic. Or perhaps, we say that we have an apple tree in front of us instead of a Lemon. I guess we sometimes want to give meaning to stuff around us to give assurance to our insecure selves that everything is fine and things are going our way.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Always, (and i mean always) I often wonder why do I have friends so diverse. I often notice other people flocking together bound by their same interests and ideals. While I have so many different types of people in my circle we don't have much common interests.

I seem to be drawn to diverse people. Meeting each and everyone like reading different books. One may take you to the walls of French palaces while the other guides you through the streets of New York. I guess it can be a blessing.

A blessing that could take you out of your box and present to you different perspectives. A blessing that would help me grow as a person. Creating adventures in different shapes and sizes. Perhaps, I am lucky to have known something beyond that I am used to.

Indeed, like minds may think alike and may enjoy each other's company. But, diverse minds see beyond what is on the horizon, cutting edge.

Yeba!

Blog fasting

After weeks of bitter silence, I am now breaking the chain. A time for me to serve up an endless barrage of senseless tirade of nothingness from my genious/heinous mind.

and the best way to jumpstart a broken silence i believe is to post something that would be an evidence of narcissistic devices.

My Johari Window. The fruits of my never ending quirkiness and insecurities ( asus!). And of course this is the result of pesky lobbying from diverse and patient friends. *blink*

anyways, lo and behold! a meaningless blog! tee-hee...

Arena (known to self and others) accepting, friendly, mature, observant, searching	Blind Spot (known only to others) adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, dependable, energetic, extroverted, happy, helpful, idealistic, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, loving, quiet, reflective, relaxed, responsive, self-conscious, silly, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) able, dignified, giving, independent, ingenious, introverted, logical, modest, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, proud, religious, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, shy, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, wise

Dominant Traits

58% of people agree that Junosan is friendly

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (16%) adaptable (16%) bold (16%) brave (8%) calm (16%) caring (8%) cheerful (33%) clever (8%) complex (16%) confident (8%) dependable (8%) dignified (0%) energetic (16%) extroverted (16%) friendly (58%) giving (0%) happy (16%) helpful (8%) idealistic (8%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (8%) introverted (0%) kind (16%) knowledgeable (25%) logical (0%) loving (8%) mature (16%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (41%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (16%) reflective (8%) relaxed (8%) religious (0%) responsive (8%) searching (8%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (8%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (33%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (16%) warm (16%) wise (0%) witty (33%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 30.3.2006, using data from 12 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view Junosan's full data.

why do i care?

Why is it these shows like Survivor, fear factor, Big brother, etc. are claiming to be "reality based" programs when everybody is in front of the camera everyday, every minute and second? Do you think people would act "real" (ok, be themselves) when a very big camera and every single citizen of this insane world is listening and keeping an eye on everything you do and say? I don't think so.

Besides, these people were chosen for the shows after an audition. Like any other movie or television show. A way of controlling variables. And of controlling people. What would making a young hopeful dance around in front of a lot of people do? Why would you want to see people undress in front of you faster than you could say "oh my god!". Wait, anybody would want that, so scratch that one. Carefully selecting people would be tampering yet again the concept of being "reality based". If producers want something real to serve up to their audience, they should have just handpicked people off the streets in a random fashion and hit them hard with the show's concept without giving them time to internalize the thing or even, breathe. Now, let us see how the subjects would react.

People seem to enjoy watching these quasishows. They are actually amused with what they are seeing. I guess they just felt that those on television are more real (or they want it to be) than what they have in this godforsaken society. A society of circus politics and absurd psyches. And let me make it clear that I am not in any way dissing these shows. I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of having that from me. It is just me foraging through my thoughts to escape my deadpan life. Yes, it is sad, yet true.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I should really consider shifting into visual arts or film. I feel I have the passion for it and people say I have the "eye" for it. Then that leaves me to just try it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I really need a "personal computer" of my own. Invaders are out of control and have walked past the red zone. Fire in the hole people! And of course, I am yet again lashing out incoherent and undecipherable thoughts. I need to set a direction for myself.

My Liberation Front

I finally did it. I am officially a bum.

After days of contemplation, I handed over my resignation to my boss and we parted ways amicably. It seems that I am free to do whatever I want right now. Time to hit my ever growing pile of books and DVD's. One good thing is that I managed to save a little bit of money from my salary that could sustain my bum life for a while.

Bagiuo seems to be a tempting destination for my first adventure as a bum.

And yet reality smacks me in the butt. Sooner or later I would have to reconcile myself back to the already long list of unemployed. Whether I like it or not, I have to acknowledge an already big pile of bills and responsibilities and make sure that it doesn't gather dust by the corner of the dreaded side of reality.

Delusions are nice while they last and it may flit away anytime without prior notice. Thus, I will be going back to the drawing board as mirages of a good life disintegrates into thin air. I might as well savor every second of my pseudoblissful existence.

down the dumps, Dreaming and Thumbsucking

Sometimes I just do not know what I want anymore. I do not even know what's good for me either. This situation that I have has put me through a lot of emotional and mental turmoil that I could not even spring back into action. I am in a rut. Seriously.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Soul searching in the Philippines in this day and age is starting to get a little bit challenging. Besides being bombarded with politicians barking at each other like bitches in heat, there is this strong feeling of waning freedom. Prices of basic needs are annoyingly expensive. It is as if you do not have the right to enjoy life anymore. Knowing that, people can't afford to enjoy the bum life anymore(or a pseudo one if you may...), unless you're lucky enough to be born an heir to an empire, and your vocabulary consists only of: shopping, vacation, gimmik, havaiana's, Paris, etc.. You've got your whole life covered.

But, how about those people who are born with only their thumbs to suck? Don't they deserve to get the chance to at least lick the back of a silver spoon? And of course I am off topic again. That's not my point. Let me try it again. Sometimes you have to realize that you need money to get to do whatever you want. People nowadays are feeling the oppression of obligation. Obligation to work. Even artists have to make a living in order to support what they love to do lest they meet their demise. Money seems to control every aspect of our lives. Does freedom have a price now?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Sometimes, if you surrender yourself to your imagination, wonders may seem to never cease. Save for you being jolted up into consciousness as reality smites you in the butt. You have quite a good alternative to just hitting youself with a frying pan as you slip away into a comma, braindead. Though, with the day and age we are in right now, being braindead is an understatement.

caffeine, convenience and the cosmos

Ingrid told me a story about an experience she and her friend, Paola, had with McDonald's coffee. The coffee was so bland they had to pour in instant 3-in-1 coffee mix thingies. Then I made a comment that that is the reason why I only buy coffee from Starbux, Seattle's etc. It is true. Considering they are coffee addicts and all. Those upscale establishments are the only ones who can satisfy their caffeine fixation. And yet they have to retaliate with the "sosyal" angle. And of course, I wouldn't want that to let it pass. So I related that I also buy coffee in ministop since I do not like buying in 711 anymore.

And speaking of buying from 711. Once I tried purchasing a pack of cigs from the nearest 711 store since I ran out of stash during lunch time.
When I got to the counter after minutes of falling in line, they broke the news that they do not have change for my 500 bucks. Like, c'mon... it is just a few hundred bucks. They are located in the middle of Makati's Central Business district and they are telling me they do not have change. Right.

But wait, there's more. They wanted me to purchase other stuff. I smelled conspiracy! I realized that they are virtually mugging me and that ministop has the decency to always have some extra change. That moment I said "nevermind, I'll just go to ministop. They have change there" and the cashier gave me a smirk. Thus, my resolution not to buy from 711 again. Talk about taking out convenience from "convenience store".

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Print media has been saying it. Friends have been telling it. Even the conspiratorial forces of the cosmos have been moving in favor of it. Perhaps, it is about time for me to believe it. I am bound to make a career shift. Though it is not clear yet where to move on. I guess I have to roll with the wheel of time as it ticks. Tick tock! One day at a time as they say. I need to patch up some holes and de-tangle some strings.

First step: Summit Media. Then, everything else. Harr...

Word for the Day: Blogwhore!

Another day of nonstop typing ensued. We had to draft a report for work today and it ate the whole day. I even wonder why I am still trying to fill up space here. I am starting to be a blogwhore! ooohh.. new word, new word! I am tired being called a camwhore anyways, it has started to feel like a cliche. With the digital cameras sprouting all around plus different friendsteresque websites present in cyberspace, the word starts to get outdated and obsolete. Well, so much for the age of technology. Harr...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Last night, I did some contemplation on myself and whatever that I could grasp onto. I did a lot of thinking for one day. (And yes, I do think, lots of it and I have the accessory called the brain to do it with.) My mind got transfixed onto stuff that I do, stuff that I want to do and stuff that i felt i can do. A lot of insecurities ran wildly around my mind like a bunch of geese running around trying to get away from evil people like for example, chefs. Anyways, it is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Losing the drive to do something that you think that you enjoy. Like a car with an empty gas tank.

Evil thoughts play madly inside my head. When is it about time to realize that some things are not for you? When do you admit to yourself that you are not good enough? When do you give up on something? Is it enough that you witness other talented people around you reaping praises while you on the other hand get a slight pat on the back? How do you gauge your abilities amidst a very competitive environment?

After getting tired on playing with those thoughts, I slept soundly. As if not wanting to wake up. Wishing my dreams to expand until the ends of time. Then, as if only a couple of minutes transpired, I woke up. Realizing that another day has started. Admiting to myself that people can't stay in the realm of dreams for long. It is time again to survive another day.

Thinking that I have to do something to make reality better than my dreams.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Early this morning, i got a YM message from a friend sending me a link to check out. My friend meant for me to watch an animated short film. though, what i downloaded apparently was a different one though a a beautiful coincidence. I saw one of Raymond Red's Short Films that garnered some awards.

If you have a DSL connection and want to harness the power that it has or you have a Dial-up connection but, nothing else better to do, check out his film and click on to this one:

Raymond Red's Anino (shadow)

I enjoyed it. I hope you would, too. rarr...

stuff

It has been a while since I have entered something here. It has been a pretty busy week. I have been all over metro manila because of work. Work that has nothing to do with our job description. We are allowing ourselves to be exploited for the glory of the company that we are not quite sure will prosper. I'm not through with work yet. I even stayed in the office till later in the night.

Knowing all that, my co-worker, Ingrid, and I just couldn't let this hell of a week pass by without infusing a bit of insurgence and mischief. Last Wednesday we stayed at greenbelt the whole day. Browsed through books in Powerbooks and enjoyed a cup of coffee in Coffee Bean. Last Thursday, we made separate plans. She went somewhere in the katipunan area while i went around Cubao with my friend Nikki. Though we are still stuck with work that we are supposedly have to do. Here I am, blogging while listening to music and eating export quality chicharon bituka that is being sold by my dad. If you're curious about the chicharon, just message me. And i digress...

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Right now, a friend of mine is having a grand time kayaking in Palawan with her boyfriend. While, i am stuck here with unfinished workload and a boring social calendar. Though i don't want to talk about that. My mind is very scattered right now. I keep on thinking of random thoughts.

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Most of my life, I felt I have been always on a search for something. I have been always on the lookout on where i feel that I truly belong. Perhaps being this lost is the evidence of my scattered brain right now. I keep on wondering why people have their own little niches where they are comfortable in. they always have someone to share something they are interested in. But, when it comes to my life I seem to be a lonely hitchhiker. Am i destined to be like this? To be a lone wolf in this urban jungle?

I am not in any way undermining my relationship with my friends (i love them to death) though it seems that we have very varied interests that we have difficulty in meeting in the middle and share something that we are gaga over. Is it because my karmic cycle dictates that i have this sort of lifetime? I like going to Cubao X to hang around its cafe's. Or going on a spontaneous road trip somewhere in the North or South of Luzon. Though, I go alone. The rest of my friends are mallrats and homebodies. There is nothing wrong with their choice of recreation. I do enjoy the same things.

Perhaps being eccentric is the problem.

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Since I am in the zone of knowing myself, i would like to fish some htings from friends. Thanks to Marian, I have dicovered this site where i can find out what my friends think about me. hehehe.

click on this link: johari Window

I hope you guys have some time to check it out. you were able to spare time to read this blog anyways. hyukhyuk!

Kudos to Up Dharma Down

After buying the album fragmented and having listened to it, I knew right there and then that the album would sell like pancakes. And it actually did. The album was sold out on the day it was launched. People were ganging up to buy one that night. Even record stores are noticiong it, a lot of people were asking for their album. The CD's haven't even reached the shelves yet. People are buying it already. It was crazy. Though it is a no brainer why. The band was able to capture people of diverse interests and pin them down with their own style of music.

Before, whenever I talk about them, my friends would just give me a puzzled look and say, "Up Dharma who? are they from UP or something?". I would curse the high heavens for giving me an oh so eccentric interest. Yet, now, The band seems to be all over the place. I now have a hard time in catching up with the latest buzz about them. Even my friends who were clueless before are now devout "dharmalites". I now realize that this band is destined to sweep the country off its feet and bring them together with their brand of music.

With that, I raise my glass and offer a toast to a remarkable band that I happened to get the chance to listen to and be spirited away by their music. Kudos to you guys! Kampai! *clink*

P.S.

If you still don't have a copy of their album, I advise you to run off and buy one or risk missing half of your life.

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I have been getting a lot of messages from my friends about my name being written in the album's sleeve. Please, stop bugging me. I don't know why either. Though, I only know that Ean is a friend from college. That's it. No special explanations or whatever. I was also surprised when I saw my name there. But, I feel honored all the same to be acknowledged by a talented musician. Lol! grabe! sikat na kayo!

something something

I am minutes away from leaving the office to embark on something that could define my future. In fact I should not be writing about this since this is what i call as a "covert operation". With one wrong move, My entire career would fall apart (like as if i have a career to boeast about).

Strange things seem to polarize itself to me lately since this year started. And it is quite stressful at the same time as it is exciting. Though i am resigned to the fact that there is a great chance that I would be abandoning the degree that I earned in college. I still am enjoying these change of events.

Well, i do believe in one thing right now: Chinese Horoscope.

To give an overview on what this means is that when i tried those superstitious stuff (yeah i know, people who know me would just roll their eyes at me for this tone i am using) for the lunar calendar, well.. let's just say that "this is my year" as the fortune teller likes to put it. Ergo, this would mean an uplift in career with the help of benevolent people. so there.

P.S.

The fortune teller said that this is the year also for finding love for myself. It made me laugh..

though, it doesn't hurt to just hope for it, right?

Refuge

When will I see

The golden light of dawn?

When will I feel

The warmth of

The burning sun?

When will I depart

From the chill of

The shining moon?

I am tired of

The grim embrace

Of the darkness.

But, I can do nothing.

Still, I shall dwell in the shadows.

Facing the east.

Eyes on the horizon,

Waiting patiently for a sign of light.

A day for pizza and of prizes and books...

We are having Pizza for Lunch today. Yum! Ingrid is having a craving for one right now. Thus, we have one delivered to the office. It's perfect timing if you ask me since there is nobody in the office right now but us. No issues surfacing after a good meal. This is a big deal for people here actually that's why we do not have food delivered usually. Well, for now we indulge in hedonistic eating. rowr...

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When I got here in the office and opened my email i had a good treat to start my day! Click the city emailed and informed me that I won for myself passes and a T-shirt of the movie Big Time. A nice treat indeed. And their office is in the same building as ours. A nicer treat. I can just drop by anytime whenever I am free. By golly wow! harhar..

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Right now, I am juggling through a lot of books. It is my fault actually collecting and buying a lot of books lately. I advice people that if they can't multitask when reading, unless they read very fast, buy one book at a time. A folly that bookworms are guilty of. Yesh! Sad but I can't resist. Here are the books that I am reading:

1. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
2. Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
3. Underground - Haruki Murakami
4. The Gangster of Love - Jessica Hagedorn
   

To get a better picture; for example I am reading Rushdie right now and I got tired of his story by chapter 4, then I proceed to Hagedorn where i left off which is chapter 12, so on and so forth. It could get quite confusing as a matter of fact. There is the tendency that characters, plots and/or setting could get mixed up in your brain and eventually you get to formulate a new story of your own. hmm... that could be handy for creative writers... I guess it is not that bad. I love reading anyways. *bow*

Down the Drain

Right now, I am feeling down because I am resigned to the fact that i would not be able to go to film school this time. Boohoo for me I guess. My mother is at it again, not giving her approval. After all the years of waiting to graduate with the course that she approves of, my mother is still the bane of what i want to do.

Back in high school, I was determined to be a lawyer. I thought i wanted to be one. I was preparing myself for things to come for a career in legal services. I practiced giving speeches too. Then, the dreaded time came.

On the latter half of the school year of being a sophomore, the guidance center sent a letter to my parents asking in what career track they are most interested in for me. Right there and then, I knew that my mother knows how to burst my bubble. My mom (For the purposes of this blog shall be called Ms. Minchin from the Princess Sarah Cartoon as my siblings enjoyed calling her that) had a talk with me and made her intentions known. She wanted me to be a doctor. When I told her, Ms. Minchin, that I wanted to take up communications or any pre-law course or maybe dabble in something creative, she dimissed my plea. She said that I have my forte in science and money is in the medical field. But, I don't give a damn about the money. But, she refused to hear me out. I guess what fueled her idea of I becoming a doctor is this one medal I got in a Science Quiz Bee in Sixth grade and the praises she raved about me being a scientific genious. This produced a big "oh no" for me... It was just my interest in reading! When I was younger I read encyclopedias as a hobby since those were the only available reading material besides Nancy Drew. Sheeshh.

Won over, I took up Human Biology in DLSU and got saddened with it imensely. Although I did not have difficulties in academics, I started flunking subjects here and there. I failed classes, though unconciously I deliberately did it to make a point. Though still, that point wasn't heard.

After flunking classes I got dismissed by the school, which Ms. Minchin dreaded but still happened. At that time, I felt very lost on what to do or whatever. A lot of emotions like, deppression and anger filled me. And my one way of dealing with it is to write about it through poetry, mostly. That's when my friends told me I have a knack in writing. So there, I joined the editorial team of the school paper I transferred to which is CSB. Though the course i took there (Consular and Diplomatic Affairs) was not really I had in mind, (yes, Ms. Minchin again) at least i had a mild interest in it. And besides i got to go to the States (specifically New York) alone for an OJT because of it. So, it is not that bad. Also, It is also a communications course that could lead to Law or even writing etc. It was my father's idea. But, to his dissapointment, I lost my interest in going into Law School. I guess I just found myself already. And Law school wasn't for me.

I have to give credit to my father for not meddling into things and for just being complacent on whatever I want to do. I loved him for that. Yet, his inaction about all the goings on is reproachful. It wouldn't hurt to defend me once in a while.

Perhaps, this is my fate. Through connections and all, I was able to get a job in a field I am interested in. With all these new things life has to offer me right now, I thought I was already free. I can now concentrate on Photography or writing or production, film or even in advertising. Though I lack in expertise, I just have to go study again about those stuff.

An avenue opened when the filmschool of Marilou Diaz-Abaya located in Ortigas contacted me and expressed their interest in processing my application to their school. Assuming that all is well with my Mom, having graduated and bagging a job, I told her about the school and I would be needing financial support with it since the fees are expensive. And of course to my surprise, like the Ms. Minchin that she is, a smack of disapproval was delivered to my face. She said, "There is no money in that type of work".

My contention is that I am not into something because of the money. I aim to achieve fulfillment in a career that I want. Yet still, the bane of I finding that once again slithers into existence. I am troubled because I feel I will grow old full of frustration and sadness. Welled up inside making myself bloat till my skin streches out and tears apart.

But, I have learned to fight this poison. Starting to get immune actually. I know and I have resolved that I will get what I want one way or another. Even if i have to go through an eye of a needle I would do so. If That is what it takes. One thing I have learned is to be resourceful. I just have to make a good strategy. hehe.

Now that I have vented all of my rants out of me. I am feeling much better now. I am ready.

Emo Mode: Off