another aimless ramble

It is tough being singled out. Specially when you yourself don't even know where to go or place yourself. A time when you wish you were anywhere but the spotlight. Yet, sometimes, sometime in your life you get this unexpected privelege. It may come from droves of people or it may come from one single soul.

Next thing you know, you are seeing hearts and arrows. You find that Cupid's bow is spinning your mind around. hehe. For the first time in your life you feel like you are something special. Not just a single star drowned out by its neighbors in the galaxy, but a Sun glowing brightly in it's own solar system.

I don't like the attention. I never liked being in the middle of a crazy world. I prefer to be projected as a stoic hermit living inside a cave with a lantern in hand, illuminating his narrow path. I may be like a hermit right now. Since, I have been lodged in the darkness for quite some time now. A swirl of confusion has been my friend, waiting for a ray of light, of clarity, to invade this intimate interaction.

And perhaps, I may be seeing this light of mine slowly integrating into existence. I may have seen this fuel that burns passion. To help me come into my perfect existence, total being. I may have an existing ride in store for me. I better stoke up the fire and bring out the special cutlery and china. Guests will arrive soon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Enough of that rubbish. I'm just giving my fingers some practice. hehehe.

I have been helping my sister with her wedding preparations and our latest accomplishment would be creating illuminaries for her reception. These small lanterns would be placed along pathways and around the pool. This will give the place an uncharacteristic glow and these things are quite romantic.

And we are proud to say that these things we made are just from scrap. yes, from recycle-able materials:

• 1.5 liter pepsi bottle (or any other plastic bottle)
• pebbles/sand from the aquarium or wherever you may find some.
• tea lights/ or any candle that you may have
  
• 1 very sharp cutter
• 1 pair of heavy duty scissors

You may want to try it yourself for a bit of spice to any deep dull and dark place you may have lying around. hehehe

It may not look so great when you see it, but it would be dark out there right? So, nobody would see the jagged edges and other imperfections. hehehe. It just glows nice. wow... me like pretty, pretty lights... I apologize for low quality sample photos.

Do you have money to spare, Mr. Koala Bear?

I have learned a valuable lesson:
I don't mix well with coffee or any caffeinated drink. Lest I suffer uncontrollable fits of insanity. I had to learn it the hard way. Like all the lessons that I have learned in life.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is just a theory but, I will try to prove it:
Wedding + Photography = Career!

And may God have mercy on my soul.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I may not be religious but, I know for a fact that God is punishing me right now. He may have his reasons that I may or may not comprehend. And I bet He's going to see it through to the end. Not that I'm complaining...

Oh, please if ever you are up there... Save me, Superman!

Soulmate on a rainy day

The sun has emerged
from the shadows of the clouds.
Warmth has crept in
to dispel the rainy day.
The Earth starts to glow again,
yet I still haven't found you.

My insides stir...

I walk among the grass,
feeling the mud under my feet.
Bathing in the dampness and filth.
Grounding my spirit.
Halting its search for you
to satiate my insides that churns madly.

Yearning for you...

Sunlight glistens on the
puddle of water.
Full of muck. Rippling waves.
I scoop water out of the puddle
with my hand, hoping to catch
a glint of light that shines.

Like the light I try to catch, I still don't have you.

Prelude

Another leaf is about to be turned over in my biological clock. It seems that I only get older but none the wiser. Tomorrow, once every year, I will be the most self-centered person alive. I deserve the right to be one once in a while. You are forewarned.

I seem to only get older, but never grown up even at the minutest bit. Everybody has their time, I say. I don't know when this time comes. It may come at the most incospicuous of times and places. With the rate that I am going, I may anticipate it in every corner, geared up for the pounce.

Although no body is ever ready.

Each time you wake up, you shed something a part of you like a serpent molting. Each waking moment embodies a different you. A side which you never knew was inside you all along.

Dreams are surreal. You never know what's true and what's not. A convergence of truth and fiction. Though there are a lot of contention which are which.

Change is a constant. It is in our selves. We learn not to antagonize it. And learn more in the process. We are caught in the tumult of an eternal waltz.

Discovery nourishes wonder. Wonder spawns delight.

A new dawn brings forth new beginnings, a penumbra of a new adventure. Each moment you open your eyes you're never the same again.

Passport Fiasco

My brother is currently getting his own passport. My sister wanted to treat us this month with a trip to Hong Kong. My mom, being the dutiful mother that she is, started to get things ready for us.

Then one night she approached me and said my passport is missing and then blames me with the infamous finger pointing. Surprised of the news, I started denying the fact while I was getting all flustered. And surely, without incurring any dissapointment from me, she doesn't listen and orders me to look for it.

And guess what?

Days later she found my passport hidden amongst the pile of rubbish inside her drawer. Under all of those, whatever they might be, papers and perhaps trash. I gave her (with feelings) an apologize-now look. And she just gave me a very very very big grin as a reply.

I hate it when she does that.

Musings of an Ant in the summertime (The Ant and I)

It was the height of summer. As expected of the season, a sweltering heat works up the neighborhood that I am living in. Seeking refuge from the scorching midday heatwave, I decided to take a whiff of a refreshing summer breeze at the porch outside the house with a cold glass of ice water in hand. Not that It would greatly affect the situation, but to at least have done something in vain than not doing something at all.

I scanned the area that surrounded me and gave a exasperated sigh. Everything in sight bathes in the radiance of the summer sun, the tall mango trees at our neighbor's lawn, the glowing street pavements even the street signs were giving off an uncharacteristic brightness. A breeze would blow once in a while, yet it doesn't appease my situation with its warm air tracing my sweat moistened skin.

"Nope." I said to myself. There's no escaping the heat.

Placing the glass on top of a black metal table on the porch with a bonsai plant in the middle, nothing great about it. It's just black. I sat down in a matching black metal lounge chair, leaning my head back. Savoring the numbness of my head. I glanced at the bonsai that was placed in the middle of the metal table and saw an ant carrying a somewhat large chunk of bread. Well, large for the ant I presume. I watched the Ant for a while and realized that it was going in circles. walking at the edge of the pot that the Bonsai plant is in. It kept on doing that fr several minutes until I decided to strike a conversation.

"Hi, Mr. Ant. I was observing you for quite some time now and it seems that you have been circling around the bonsai plant several times" I said.

"Oh yes, I did not notice you sitting there." The ant answered while taking a glance of me then resuming its circular path of walking.

I noticed a different expression from the ant's face and asked,"Might you be in a tight situation?"

"I must admit I am." He said as a matter of factly speaking.

"What is the problem then?"

"I'm lost"

"Lost?"

"Yes."

I was surprised to hear that answer. It was the first time I heard that an ant got lost. Then he went on, explaining the situation.

"Here I was carrying this great find of a food to bring back home to our hill then all of a sudden I just lost the trail that was made by my brothers and I am having a hard time locating it again. I must have strayed far since I have been trying to find the trail for a few hours already. And still I couldn't find my way back."

"whoa, quite a dilemma there." I said sincerely.

"It's nothing I should be worried about." the ant said earnestly. "I know everything will turn out fine."

"How can you be so sure?" Said I. "Nobody can be so sure that everything would be alright in the end."

The ant suddenly stopped on its tracks. Took a great look at me. He then suddenly smiled and said,"Well, nobody can be sure that everything would not be alright either. Don't you agree?"

Feeling like a debater losing an argument I just responded,"you've got a point there mister."

"Yes, I know I have a point here. Nobody knows what may come their way in the future. Life can be very capricious and give you something that you don't expect. You may like it or not, though you are powerless over it. If it gives you something pleasant then congratulations. If it gives you something bad, tough luck. We aren't in the position to complain."

The Ant placed down the large chunk of bread he was carrying and continued on,"Life is not about getting what we want and enjoying the high life. Then It would be boring that way, don't you think?"

I responded with an earnest nod, beads of sweat visibly hanging on my temples.

"Life is about how we make out of it regardless of what we have at the moment. It has a lot of twists and turns and enjoying the ride seems the most practical option to take." He then picks up his chunk of bread lying on the soil and said," So, I just keep on going. Nothing else. Besides, moping around does not solve anything. As I said, life can be fickle and perhaps it may have some sort of surprise for you as you turn a corner."

"I sure hope so..." I replied.

The ant then started walking again. Scurrying its feet. "I better get going. I've got to get this food back home. It's almost rainy season."

"Like the ants that you guys are. Always ready for the worst." I reckoned to him.

"I guess so."

"What are you going to do now? Since going around in circles is not doing you any good?" I asked.

"Walk somewhere else I believe is an obvious option."

"Why don't you try going down that pot and try heading east? I have a feeling that something's up there."

"I'll try it then. Nothing to lose. thanks."

"No Problem." I said.

The ant scurried off the pot of the bonsai plant and saw it jump off the edge of the metal table and started heading east. I tried to think about what the ant pointed out earlier while listening to the warm breeze that rustled the leaves around. I shook off the thought shaking my head."Pointless thinking is worse than not thinking at all" I said to myself.

I picked up the glass that I placed on the table, a lot of liquid has condensed on it already leaving a very wet circle on top of where it was placed. I took a sip and placed it back. I took out a pack of cigarettes, Marlboro lights, that I had in my pocket and a black lighter. I took a stick, placed it on my mouth and held the lighter close to the tip and with a deep breath and click lit the cigarette.

I followed the smoke that I blew out from my mouth and led my eyes to a mango fruit hanging on a tree. It looked that it would be ripe soon. Glowing in the brightness of summer.

tell me why

After 6 books that have been released, can you tell me why there was no mention of the main characters of Harry Potter taking a bath? The fourth book about the triwizard tournament being an exception. We found out that there is a big big big bath tub for PREFECTS only. So, do they have to be motivated by life threatening situations before they even wet their hair? Are Prefects the only one who has the right to be squeaky clean and stink-free? Why is that Hogwarts does not house any more baths that is open to the general studentry besides that of the the one only for prefects? For the professors? How about them?

Harry, living in Privet drive over the summer doesn't even go to the bathroom for anything. Surely the Dursley's would have a water closet lying around the house.

I am just so diturbed with the thought. It is just so weird that they don't even feel the need to wash away filth.

But, I have come to a conclusion... Their wands!! Though there was never any mention of them swishing around their wands onto themselves to get cleaned up though. Is it too private of a matter that you couldn't get even a hint of it that they take care of their personal hygiene?

And then I get disturbed again. Oh, the cycle... the cycle...

A Better Ressurection

I have no wit, I have no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
A lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is like the falling leaf;
O Jesus, quicken me.

~~Sylvia Plath

a slow meandering of thoughts

Sometimes when you try to do something to achieve some desired results, you have to be ready to do some risks along the way. But, whenever you let go of those risks to take its course and try not to think about it, it haunts you even more.

Even when you achieved the endpoint that you wanted, it doesn't feel the way you want it to be. It is as if those risks that you take turn the sweet taste of victory into the sour scent of guilt. Or is it guilt?

Is it guilt or a realization of the difference between black and white? A realization, that he indeed got lost. A dive into the great gray area. A person finding himself lost in the the rabid dance between the concept of right and wrong. If you're not careful enough, it may crush your bones into fine dust with a swish. Leaving you with nothing else but the jelly-knees.

I once heard that:

"Usually, people make self-destructive choices, not because we want to nor we don't have a choice. But, rather we choose to go through hell with our own doing because it feels so much better when we stop."

So does this explain my behavior assuming that i made bad choices? I hope so. Though, I believe it is more complicated than we think.

A Refute to a Previous Post

They say:
"Good things come to those who wait"

I say:
It better be. Else, the bedlam that bides its time amidst my shadow would break loose, assuming its reign.
I'm not settling for anything less.


Every person has his/her own limits. Madness awaits beyond the edge.

A dive into time

Lately, I have been going around Metro Manila with the sole purpose, i guess, is to wear out my feet and my pocket. harhar. Good thing I have my sister to run to in order to score some cash. hehe.

This morning I accompanied my sister to Paco Park to meet her potential florist and event stylist for her wedding. We were forced to catch a bus on the way there, and for the rest of the day: around town, since nobody at home including the author and the supporting character was willing to drive. Heck, we had to settle on commuting. (ang dami kasing kaartehan *wink*)

I couldn't help but notice that for me, riding the bus and walking around Manila is are is like time travel. Manila being a very old place in the Philiipines holding up bottles memories. I have perfumed and bottled memories of my own.

When we boarded the bus at the station, I couldn't help but feel a nauseating pungency of nostalgia. For five years, I had the bus to bring me to and fro school when I was in College. I recalled the different possible scenarios of a trip (weather, number of passengers, driver, etc.). Everything was so familiar yet, distant in the past.

I can still remember the light and airy , yet strong scent of newly switched on airconditioning like what I used to smell when going on field trips back in elementary. Different shapes and faces boarding the vehicle. I remember different chats with people I know to while away those long and arduous trips. How people can become close after a series of bus trips. And of course how I catch up some sleep when I get the bane of voluntary/involuntary insomnia.

I know this is a pointless and boring post but, i just couldn't let it pass. It just made me realize that growing up is inevitable. years before I was reminiscing about high school experience while riding the bus. Now, I reminisce about riding the bus itself. Funny, how life can throw you in different directions and not even noticing it until it is so far away already and you can't fall back anymore.

After paying a visit to dream land during the journey, we got to our destination in one piece. My sister got the deal that she wanted, and i got to take some interesting photographs. though, my camera is a 35mm so I couldn't upload it here till next time.

After that trip down to memory lane. My sister spilled that we had to battle out another one. She took me to Baclaran on a mission, for a gown-hunt. But, that's another story.

What's in your birthdate?

I'm sorry, but i have to post this blogthing. I was just taken aback on what it stated.

Lo and behold:

Your Birthdate: June 11

Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm. Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche. Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Scary... yet silly...

What's in a name?

Let's take a breather from very spaced out blog entries to some of the mundane/insane aspects of life:

juno-san -- [noun]: A poltergeist sent back in time to change the course of history forever and/or A hermit living in the big city 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

seems like it. whatcha think!?

Does anyone know where they're going?

It is the week of merciless scourging of transgressors, Where filipino religious fanaticism is at its finest, where people label other people hypocrites and in turn call the other faithless waywards. I found myself catching the MRT's last trip to neverwhere. After hours of walking and aimless sauntering with a friend, I got sore feet. Dying to get it back home.

I am surrounded by a pool of empty faces yet full of thoughts. Thoughts of how to get by life, of what to eat the next day, or whatever else i may wonder of them thinking. While I, on the other hand, reflect on my own concept of divinity. It was the holy week after all.

Funny that I realize that every person may have his/her own journey to plan and think of. To be brought together by a single metaphor. Within a train that brings people to their destination. No matter how different our live were, we have a single purpose. To get to where we needed to be.
And how to get there is the challenge. And of course, where to go is the problem. Does anybody know where to go? The holy week is the time for self reflection and discovery. Other absurdities come after. Sometimes we may find our answers. Most of the time we don't. I guess how we find our answers may be part of each person's journey and enjoying that voyage is a necessity. For all we know, the answers we desperately seek may be just under our noses, reeking of its sweet elusive stench. And those answers are not meant to be discovered, but rather yearned.

I dismissed my deepening thoughts as I reached my destination. Setting it aside for another day. Then, my nose twitched.

waiting for a meteor to hit me

Over a cup of coffee and cigarettes:

The greatest enemy that you will ever have is neither your bestfriend nor your devious arch-enemy, but rather the person that you should know best, which is yourself.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

weirdly enough, i was at a coffeeshop in Alabang, alone. And for the first time in ages, I am at a loss for words regardless of the solitude that I treasure dearly.

Fortunately, a friend of mine works there as a branch manager. I got a free drink. though I have no intentions of abusing this newly discovered power. (hehehe)

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Drinking the sweet-sour taste of the drink I eagerly drown myself in, I try to fade into the background. Waiting for inspiration to tap me on my shoulders.

Looking at a mini-pond with a lot swimming carps, I heaved a sigh. Wishing the world was just a big body of water. Everybody would just swim around. Drifitng left, right, up and down. Without gravity making its presence felt.

Leaves falling down around me, as if dancing along a requiem.


Good thing I have my camera fixed now. Got to go to those workshops soon. I should buy me a Flash. I love Photography. Moments captured, trapped in time and space. I wish I could be caught, too in that certain dimension once in a while.

Frozen amidst silent beauty. At a loss for words.

Finding meaning in meaning

I remember when i was back in high school, i knew someone who, after buying a glass of soda, got a 10 peso bill with his name on it after using it to pay for something months before. Coincidence or not? Either way he kept it in his wallet claiming it to be a lucky charm. To this day, i guess he still has it, though i don't know if it ever has any effect whatsoever with his life. I don't even know his number.

A lot of things may happen to us. Some just breeze by, others leave a bruise, the rest even leave a stain on our very oh so vulnerable unconscious. With all these things giving us the heads up, sometimes we try to find meaning in every single thing that ever happens. Perhaps, it is a coping mechanism of sorts? or just my mind trying to decipher fragments of my life that are left unattended, gathering dust.

Perceivably, it is one's nature to understand his environment. Although my question would always be; "are we supposed to understand?". Is it man's destiny to somehow stumble upon the formula to life's mysteries? or doomed to discover it a little too late?

sometimes we give meaning to things in order to validate that our long yearned desires are fulfilled. That down times may happen because it is what is supposed to happen in order to attain a goal.

But what if failures just happened to be failures and luck is luck? Are we then philosophizing like idiots in a lonely cage?

Sometimes we give too much meaning in every single thing that we may encounter. Regardless of the possibility of it not holding any significance to our lives. Sometimes we interpret things too much that in translating latin into english we get aramaic. Or perhaps, we say that we have an apple tree in front of us instead of a Lemon. I guess we sometimes want to give meaning to stuff around us to give assurance to our insecure selves that everything is fine and things are going our way.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Always, (and i mean always) I often wonder why do I have friends so diverse. I often notice other people flocking together bound by their same interests and ideals. While I have so many different types of people in my circle we don't have much common interests.

I seem to be drawn to diverse people. Meeting each and everyone like reading different books. One may take you to the walls of French palaces while the other guides you through the streets of New York. I guess it can be a blessing.

A blessing that could take you out of your box and present to you different perspectives. A blessing that would help me grow as a person. Creating adventures in different shapes and sizes. Perhaps, I am lucky to have known something beyond that I am used to.

Indeed, like minds may think alike and may enjoy each other's company. But, diverse minds see beyond what is on the horizon, cutting edge.

Yeba!

Blog fasting

After weeks of bitter silence, I am now breaking the chain. A time for me to serve up an endless barrage of senseless tirade of nothingness from my genious/heinous mind.

and the best way to jumpstart a broken silence i believe is to post something that would be an evidence of narcissistic devices.

My Johari Window. The fruits of my never ending quirkiness and insecurities ( asus!). And of course this is the result of pesky lobbying from diverse and patient friends. *blink*

anyways, lo and behold! a meaningless blog! tee-hee...

Arena (known to self and others) accepting, friendly, mature, observant, searching	Blind Spot (known only to others) adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, dependable, energetic, extroverted, happy, helpful, idealistic, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, loving, quiet, reflective, relaxed, responsive, self-conscious, silly, trustworthy, warm, witty
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) able, dignified, giving, independent, ingenious, introverted, logical, modest, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, proud, religious, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, shy, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, wise

Dominant Traits

58% of people agree that Junosan is friendly

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (16%) adaptable (16%) bold (16%) brave (8%) calm (16%) caring (8%) cheerful (33%) clever (8%) complex (16%) confident (8%) dependable (8%) dignified (0%) energetic (16%) extroverted (16%) friendly (58%) giving (0%) happy (16%) helpful (8%) idealistic (8%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (8%) introverted (0%) kind (16%) knowledgeable (25%) logical (0%) loving (8%) mature (16%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (41%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (16%) reflective (8%) relaxed (8%) religious (0%) responsive (8%) searching (8%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (8%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (33%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (16%) warm (16%) wise (0%) witty (33%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 30.3.2006, using data from 12 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view Junosan's full data.

why do i care?

Why is it these shows like Survivor, fear factor, Big brother, etc. are claiming to be "reality based" programs when everybody is in front of the camera everyday, every minute and second? Do you think people would act "real" (ok, be themselves) when a very big camera and every single citizen of this insane world is listening and keeping an eye on everything you do and say? I don't think so.

Besides, these people were chosen for the shows after an audition. Like any other movie or television show. A way of controlling variables. And of controlling people. What would making a young hopeful dance around in front of a lot of people do? Why would you want to see people undress in front of you faster than you could say "oh my god!". Wait, anybody would want that, so scratch that one. Carefully selecting people would be tampering yet again the concept of being "reality based". If producers want something real to serve up to their audience, they should have just handpicked people off the streets in a random fashion and hit them hard with the show's concept without giving them time to internalize the thing or even, breathe. Now, let us see how the subjects would react.

People seem to enjoy watching these quasishows. They are actually amused with what they are seeing. I guess they just felt that those on television are more real (or they want it to be) than what they have in this godforsaken society. A society of circus politics and absurd psyches. And let me make it clear that I am not in any way dissing these shows. I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of having that from me. It is just me foraging through my thoughts to escape my deadpan life. Yes, it is sad, yet true.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I should really consider shifting into visual arts or film. I feel I have the passion for it and people say I have the "eye" for it. Then that leaves me to just try it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I really need a "personal computer" of my own. Invaders are out of control and have walked past the red zone. Fire in the hole people! And of course, I am yet again lashing out incoherent and undecipherable thoughts. I need to set a direction for myself.

My Liberation Front

I finally did it. I am officially a bum.

After days of contemplation, I handed over my resignation to my boss and we parted ways amicably. It seems that I am free to do whatever I want right now. Time to hit my ever growing pile of books and DVD's. One good thing is that I managed to save a little bit of money from my salary that could sustain my bum life for a while.

Bagiuo seems to be a tempting destination for my first adventure as a bum.

And yet reality smacks me in the butt. Sooner or later I would have to reconcile myself back to the already long list of unemployed. Whether I like it or not, I have to acknowledge an already big pile of bills and responsibilities and make sure that it doesn't gather dust by the corner of the dreaded side of reality.

Delusions are nice while they last and it may flit away anytime without prior notice. Thus, I will be going back to the drawing board as mirages of a good life disintegrates into thin air. I might as well savor every second of my pseudoblissful existence.