Really, I am...

I may seem silent and still.
But, the war and chaos still rages on inside me.
When will I get a truce?

I Just Can't Find Myself...

Contrary to the fact that I am wearing a yin-yang earring, I am in a disarray. A lot of things in my life have tipped the balance and now I am in a state of confusion. And I am hating it. Very. No matter how hard I try to just shove it back to its usual balance, I just can't seem to put it back. No matter how hard I deny it, the more it take its toll on me. I guess I just have to let it flow.

I can't believe and won't accept that these things happened because of certain things. I just can't.

One thing I hate about it the most is that somehow it changed me. Against my will and I am afraid that I will never be the same old guy I used to be and I was comfortable with the old me. I can't seem to enjoy the things I usually enjoy. Whenever I try doing those things I just end up disappointed and confused. I miss everything about me. I miss shooting for my photography and it is a big chunk of who I really was. But, I won't give up on that yet. Not just yet. I miss shooting. And I will really try hard to get back on it. It is my dream career after all.

Hoooboy, When will I get myself back? When will I find myeslf again? I hope I do, somewhere, somehow.

and i ramble again...

Jack TV invites you to Rock!

The Dating Persona

The Boy Next Door Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLD) http://panther.is0.okcupid.com/graphics/persons/RGLDm.gif" alt="The Boy Next Door" style="float: left;"> Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet. We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what. On paper, most gay guys would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with boys. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold. More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not. Your exact male opposite: The 5-Night Stand http://panther.is0.okcupid.com/graphics/persons/DBSMm_thumb.gif" alt="The 5-Night Stand" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); padding: 3px; background: rgb(255, 255, 255) none repeat scroll 0%; -moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial;"> Deliberate Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The Billy Goat (DBSD) Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), The Loverboy (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

some things you do when you're bored...

Your Personality Is

http://images.blogthings.com/threequestionpersonalitytest/nf.jpg" height="100" width="100"> Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The>http://www.blogthings.com/threequestionpersonalitytest/">The Three Question Personality Test

You Are a Dreaming Soul

http://images.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/dreaming-soul.jpg" height="100" width="100"> Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

and before i return to slumber...

Here I am. Woke up in the middle of the night. Woke up on the witching hour. Wondering (or worrying?) of what is in store for me within the days ahead. I can hear the loud chirping of cicadas outside. Echoing throughout the night. An echo that stirs wildly at my self that makes me anxious of my dreamless sleep. For unimaginative slumbers and anchored consciousness. Marooned indefinitely.

I am empty. Fill me up to the brim and I shall be in gratitude.

When shall I smile? A smile that tugs me from the inside. And since my mind is numbed from the sudden rise from slumber, I shall succumb to it again. Funny how your mind refuses to give you words when in half-dimwittedness. I need help. My soul is drowning in darkness. I need vision. Goodnight.

Honestly...

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. I'm mad for always apologizing for things i didn't do. I'm mad for getting attached. I'm mad for depending on you and wasting my time on you. I'm mad for thinking about you, and most of all for loving you when I shouldn't have.

Ulan nga naman...

Ang lakas nanamn ng ulan. Kung kelan nga naman hindi na ako nagdala ng payong para maiwasang mabasa.

Eto, cia namang lakas ng buhos na parang sinasabing, "Akala mo nakalusot ka na, no?"

Kung kelan nga naman ako nakalimot na, cia namang babalik ang bagay na ayaw ko ng balikan pa.

Kung kelan nasanay ka nang maaliwalas ang panahon, saka naman biglang darating ang panahon na magpapa alala sayo ng lahat.

"Musta ka na?" tanong nia.

"Eto, ok naman."

Magpapa alalang hindi ka pa pala nakalimot. Hindi ka pa pala tuluyang natuyo.

"Sana naging tayo, no?" sinabi nia.

Bigyan naman sana ako ng panahon para magpatuyo. Ayoko na ng ulan.

"Panu un, nagtalo na tayo nung huli? Sabi mo ayaw mo na." sagot ko..

"Wag na nating pag usapan un. Kalimutan na natin ung dati."

Maghihintay na lang cguro ako ng dadaan na may dalang payong.

Baka sakaling kahit malakas ang bagyo, mtulungan niya ako hanggang sa umaliwalas uli ang panahon.

(Langhya ka JM!!!)

A Taste of Rock Candy

We have never tried hanging out at Rock Candy before. Perhaps it wasn't our scene. But, due to pre-production meetings on a friday night, we ended up partying there and playing with Joy's and my camera.

Click on the image for the album.

Salamat, Seat No. 57A. ==> from JM!

Ngayon na ang alis ko. Sa tagal ng panahon na ginugol ko para sa desisyon kong 'to, ngayon na ang araw. Masakit pero hanggang dito na lng ang kaya ko.

Tinawag na ang mga pasaherong sasakay patungo sa ibang bansa.

Dala ang gamit ko, sabi nga ni John Lapuz, "Diz iz it!"

Pasakay na ako sa eroplano. Eroplanong magdadala sa akin sa ibang mundo. Malayo sa kinagisnan ko. Malayo sa mga naranasan ko.

Mabuti na cguro ung ganito. Malayo. Nakakalungkot na nakakakaba dahil magsisimula uli ako. Panibagong pakikipagsapalaran. Panibagong buhay.

Pagtingin ko sa aking ticket, Seat 57B. Sayang, isa na lng, ako na ung nasa may bintana. Paboritong lugar ko pa naman un. Ok lang, ganun tlga.

Pagkalagay ko ng aking gamit sa itaas, umupo na ako at kinuha ko na agad ang headset ng eroplano para makinig ng music. Wala sa mood para makipagsosyalan sa kung cnu man ang aking makakatabi. Sana pipi para d ko na cia kelangan intindihin.

"Excuse me." sabi ng isang pasahero habang tinapik niya ang aking balikat.

Malamang ito na ung makakatabi ko. Mukha namang tahimik at magalang. Ok na rin cguro to.

"Sorry." sagot ko. At padahan akong umurong para makadaan cia.

Pagkaupo niya, ginawa nia din ang ginawa ko. Mabuti para d na din ako maistorbo. Ng biglang,

"First time mo?" tanong niya bago ko pa man ibalik ang headset sa tenga ko.

"Hindi. Pang anim na." sagot ko. Nakalimutan ko na din ung una kong naramdaman pagkasakay ko doon.

"Ah. First time ko. Bakit ka aalis?"

"Tapos na ang buhay ko rito. Wala na akong babalikan. Ikaw?"

"Baligtad naman tayo.Babalikan ko ang nakaraan ko."

Baligtad nga kami. Nakakatuwang isipin, iba't-ibang pasahero, iba't-ibang mga dahilan kung bakit aalis.

Lumipad na ang eroplano. Kasabay ng huli kong pagtingin sa nakaraan ko.

Hindi na ako babalik.

"Magpapakasal na kami." sagot nia ulit nung napansin niang natulala ako.

Napangiti na lng ako sa sinagot nia.Naisip ko, ako kaya, maranasan ko ung ngiti ng mga mata niya? Maranasan ko kaya ung tuwa ng pagkakwento niya?

Malamang, hindi. Nasa magkaiba kami ng estado sa buhay.

Naalala ko kung bakit ako lilipad. Tama nga cguro ang desisyon ko.

Dalawang buwan na ang nakaraaan. Maulan. Kausap ko cia sa may waiting shed.

"Hanggang dito na lang tayo." malungkot niang sinabi sa akin.

"Hindi ba ako karapat dapat na ipagtanggol?"

Hindi na cia sumagot. Hindi na niya kailangan sumagot dahil doon pa lang, alam ko na.
Dahan-dahan akong bumalik ng bahay habang tahimik na umiiyak.
Tapos na. Hindi ko man lang alam kung paano kami umabot sa ganun.

Nakatulog pala ako. Pagkagising ko, hinahanda na ang kakainin namin.

"Ang sarap ng tulog mo. Nakakainggit ka." sabi ng katabi ko.

"Pagod lang siguro." habang nakangiti kong sinagot ang sinabi nia.

Hindi naman ako dapat kainggitan.

Limang oras na pala ang nakalipas. Malapit na kaming makarating. Naghanda na din ako sa panibagong haharapin.

Hindi na ako babalik. PInakawalan ko na ang bahaging iyon ng buhay ko.

Pagkadating namin sa airport, nag ayos na ako ng gamit para lumabas. Nung lahat ay nakalabas na at palabas na ng room para salubungin ang mga tao, napansin ko si Seat No. 57A.

Nakangiti. Tinungo ko ang dahilan ng kanyang ngiti. Mukhang iyon ang kanyang mapapangasawa.

Salamat, Seat No. 57A. Dahil sayo, may pag asa pa cguro ako.

"Hindi ba ako karapat dapat na ipagtanggol?" naalala ko ang nasabi ko nung gabing yun.

Tumalikod ako. Tinungo ang labasan. Baka dito ko makita ang hinahanap ko.

Hindi na ako babalik.

From Dinner to Embassy

We started out to have Dinner at som's... then we ended up drinking amidst the great thump of the rain... and found ourselves Dragged into the middle of the Embassy dancefloor...

Click on the image for the album...

Dampa and MOA

The Jack TV team went again on a "meeting" that turned out to be just a bonding session... then I realized that most of my shots were all just about food... since we all just pigged out...

PEEP Show Season 2 OBB Shoot

The start of our Showbiz careeer. harhar... the production team of the Peep Show needed extras (Dylan's fans) for the opening billboards and segment bumpers for the show. We, the obliging people, went straight to Rock Candy at Glorrietta immediately to render our services. Catch the PEEP Show on Jack TV, every Mondays at 8:30pm. hehehehe


click on the image for the album...

Snapshots # 7

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Random Photos from different times. Places, People, things...

click on the image for the album...

A Premiere Revelation

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July 27, 2007, Philtrade Center Hall B. 9PM

Gyrating Pole Dancers
Vintage Cars
Asia Agcaoili
Booze
Dylan Vizcarra
PEEP show
FHM

Nice!

Click on the image for the album...

Snapshots # 5

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experimenting with my camera...

click on the image for the album...

Heaven's BBQ Pictorial

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lunch at Heaven's BBQ will never be the same again... hahahahaha....

click on the image for the album...

Sidebar Happenings

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officemates... drinking at sidebar cafe... there...

click on the image for the album...

Century Park Madness

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a sidetracked post...

Armi, Kervy, Junosan.

What do you get when you have a complimentary stay at a business hotel at the heart of Manila? here you go...

The day revolves around going to Cainta to get someone's things, then eat half a dozen of siopao from Hapchan, Buy some liquor from 711 then the rest is inevitable...

*Camwhoring and what nots

click on the image for the album...

Snapshots # 6

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Random photos that I saw that never was uploaded...

Click on the image for the album...