a slow meandering of thoughts

Sometimes when you try to do something to achieve some desired results, you have to be ready to do some risks along the way. But, whenever you let go of those risks to take its course and try not to think about it, it haunts you even more.

Even when you achieved the endpoint that you wanted, it doesn't feel the way you want it to be. It is as if those risks that you take turn the sweet taste of victory into the sour scent of guilt. Or is it guilt?

Is it guilt or a realization of the difference between black and white? A realization, that he indeed got lost. A dive into the great gray area. A person finding himself lost in the the rabid dance between the concept of right and wrong. If you're not careful enough, it may crush your bones into fine dust with a swish. Leaving you with nothing else but the jelly-knees.

I once heard that:

"Usually, people make self-destructive choices, not because we want to nor we don't have a choice. But, rather we choose to go through hell with our own doing because it feels so much better when we stop."

So does this explain my behavior assuming that i made bad choices? I hope so. Though, I believe it is more complicated than we think.