Down the Drain

Right now, I am feeling down because I am resigned to the fact that i would not be able to go to film school this time. Boohoo for me I guess. My mother is at it again, not giving her approval. After all the years of waiting to graduate with the course that she approves of, my mother is still the bane of what i want to do.

Back in high school, I was determined to be a lawyer. I thought i wanted to be one. I was preparing myself for things to come for a career in legal services. I practiced giving speeches too. Then, the dreaded time came.

On the latter half of the school year of being a sophomore, the guidance center sent a letter to my parents asking in what career track they are most interested in for me. Right there and then, I knew that my mother knows how to burst my bubble. My mom (For the purposes of this blog shall be called Ms. Minchin from the Princess Sarah Cartoon as my siblings enjoyed calling her that) had a talk with me and made her intentions known. She wanted me to be a doctor. When I told her, Ms. Minchin, that I wanted to take up communications or any pre-law course or maybe dabble in something creative, she dimissed my plea. She said that I have my forte in science and money is in the medical field. But, I don't give a damn about the money. But, she refused to hear me out. I guess what fueled her idea of I becoming a doctor is this one medal I got in a Science Quiz Bee in Sixth grade and the praises she raved about me being a scientific genious. This produced a big "oh no" for me... It was just my interest in reading! When I was younger I read encyclopedias as a hobby since those were the only available reading material besides Nancy Drew. Sheeshh.

Won over, I took up Human Biology in DLSU and got saddened with it imensely. Although I did not have difficulties in academics, I started flunking subjects here and there. I failed classes, though unconciously I deliberately did it to make a point. Though still, that point wasn't heard.

After flunking classes I got dismissed by the school, which Ms. Minchin dreaded but still happened. At that time, I felt very lost on what to do or whatever. A lot of emotions like, deppression and anger filled me. And my one way of dealing with it is to write about it through poetry, mostly. That's when my friends told me I have a knack in writing. So there, I joined the editorial team of the school paper I transferred to which is CSB. Though the course i took there (Consular and Diplomatic Affairs) was not really I had in mind, (yes, Ms. Minchin again) at least i had a mild interest in it. And besides i got to go to the States (specifically New York) alone for an OJT because of it. So, it is not that bad. Also, It is also a communications course that could lead to Law or even writing etc. It was my father's idea. But, to his dissapointment, I lost my interest in going into Law School. I guess I just found myself already. And Law school wasn't for me.

I have to give credit to my father for not meddling into things and for just being complacent on whatever I want to do. I loved him for that. Yet, his inaction about all the goings on is reproachful. It wouldn't hurt to defend me once in a while.

Perhaps, this is my fate. Through connections and all, I was able to get a job in a field I am interested in. With all these new things life has to offer me right now, I thought I was already free. I can now concentrate on Photography or writing or production, film or even in advertising. Though I lack in expertise, I just have to go study again about those stuff.

An avenue opened when the filmschool of Marilou Diaz-Abaya located in Ortigas contacted me and expressed their interest in processing my application to their school. Assuming that all is well with my Mom, having graduated and bagging a job, I told her about the school and I would be needing financial support with it since the fees are expensive. And of course to my surprise, like the Ms. Minchin that she is, a smack of disapproval was delivered to my face. She said, "There is no money in that type of work".

My contention is that I am not into something because of the money. I aim to achieve fulfillment in a career that I want. Yet still, the bane of I finding that once again slithers into existence. I am troubled because I feel I will grow old full of frustration and sadness. Welled up inside making myself bloat till my skin streches out and tears apart.

But, I have learned to fight this poison. Starting to get immune actually. I know and I have resolved that I will get what I want one way or another. Even if i have to go through an eye of a needle I would do so. If That is what it takes. One thing I have learned is to be resourceful. I just have to make a good strategy. hehe.

Now that I have vented all of my rants out of me. I am feeling much better now. I am ready.

Emo Mode: Off