down the dumps, Dreaming and Thumbsucking

Sometimes I just do not know what I want anymore. I do not even know what's good for me either. This situation that I have has put me through a lot of emotional and mental turmoil that I could not even spring back into action. I am in a rut. Seriously.

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Soul searching in the Philippines in this day and age is starting to get a little bit challenging. Besides being bombarded with politicians barking at each other like bitches in heat, there is this strong feeling of waning freedom. Prices of basic needs are annoyingly expensive. It is as if you do not have the right to enjoy life anymore. Knowing that, people can't afford to enjoy the bum life anymore(or a pseudo one if you may...), unless you're lucky enough to be born an heir to an empire, and your vocabulary consists only of: shopping, vacation, gimmik, havaiana's, Paris, etc.. You've got your whole life covered.

But, how about those people who are born with only their thumbs to suck? Don't they deserve to get the chance to at least lick the back of a silver spoon? And of course I am off topic again. That's not my point. Let me try it again. Sometimes you have to realize that you need money to get to do whatever you want. People nowadays are feeling the oppression of obligation. Obligation to work. Even artists have to make a living in order to support what they love to do lest they meet their demise. Money seems to control every aspect of our lives. Does freedom have a price now?

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Sometimes, if you surrender yourself to your imagination, wonders may seem to never cease. Save for you being jolted up into consciousness as reality smites you in the butt. You have quite a good alternative to just hitting youself with a frying pan as you slip away into a comma, braindead. Though, with the day and age we are in right now, being braindead is an understatement.

caffeine, convenience and the cosmos

Ingrid told me a story about an experience she and her friend, Paola, had with McDonald's coffee. The coffee was so bland they had to pour in instant 3-in-1 coffee mix thingies. Then I made a comment that that is the reason why I only buy coffee from Starbux, Seattle's etc. It is true. Considering they are coffee addicts and all. Those upscale establishments are the only ones who can satisfy their caffeine fixation. And yet they have to retaliate with the "sosyal" angle. And of course, I wouldn't want that to let it pass. So I related that I also buy coffee in ministop since I do not like buying in 711 anymore.

And speaking of buying from 711. Once I tried purchasing a pack of cigs from the nearest 711 store since I ran out of stash during lunch time.
When I got to the counter after minutes of falling in line, they broke the news that they do not have change for my 500 bucks. Like, c'mon... it is just a few hundred bucks. They are located in the middle of Makati's Central Business district and they are telling me they do not have change. Right.

But wait, there's more. They wanted me to purchase other stuff. I smelled conspiracy! I realized that they are virtually mugging me and that ministop has the decency to always have some extra change. That moment I said "nevermind, I'll just go to ministop. They have change there" and the cashier gave me a smirk. Thus, my resolution not to buy from 711 again. Talk about taking out convenience from "convenience store".

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Print media has been saying it. Friends have been telling it. Even the conspiratorial forces of the cosmos have been moving in favor of it. Perhaps, it is about time for me to believe it. I am bound to make a career shift. Though it is not clear yet where to move on. I guess I have to roll with the wheel of time as it ticks. Tick tock! One day at a time as they say. I need to patch up some holes and de-tangle some strings.

First step: Summit Media. Then, everything else. Harr...

Word for the Day: Blogwhore!

Another day of nonstop typing ensued. We had to draft a report for work today and it ate the whole day. I even wonder why I am still trying to fill up space here. I am starting to be a blogwhore! ooohh.. new word, new word! I am tired being called a camwhore anyways, it has started to feel like a cliche. With the digital cameras sprouting all around plus different friendsteresque websites present in cyberspace, the word starts to get outdated and obsolete. Well, so much for the age of technology. Harr...

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Last night, I did some contemplation on myself and whatever that I could grasp onto. I did a lot of thinking for one day. (And yes, I do think, lots of it and I have the accessory called the brain to do it with.) My mind got transfixed onto stuff that I do, stuff that I want to do and stuff that i felt i can do. A lot of insecurities ran wildly around my mind like a bunch of geese running around trying to get away from evil people like for example, chefs. Anyways, it is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Losing the drive to do something that you think that you enjoy. Like a car with an empty gas tank.

Evil thoughts play madly inside my head. When is it about time to realize that some things are not for you? When do you admit to yourself that you are not good enough? When do you give up on something? Is it enough that you witness other talented people around you reaping praises while you on the other hand get a slight pat on the back? How do you gauge your abilities amidst a very competitive environment?

After getting tired on playing with those thoughts, I slept soundly. As if not wanting to wake up. Wishing my dreams to expand until the ends of time. Then, as if only a couple of minutes transpired, I woke up. Realizing that another day has started. Admiting to myself that people can't stay in the realm of dreams for long. It is time again to survive another day.

Thinking that I have to do something to make reality better than my dreams.

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Early this morning, i got a YM message from a friend sending me a link to check out. My friend meant for me to watch an animated short film. though, what i downloaded apparently was a different one though a a beautiful coincidence. I saw one of Raymond Red's Short Films that garnered some awards.

If you have a DSL connection and want to harness the power that it has or you have a Dial-up connection but, nothing else better to do, check out his film and click on to this one:

Raymond Red's Anino (shadow)

I enjoyed it. I hope you would, too. rarr...

stuff

It has been a while since I have entered something here. It has been a pretty busy week. I have been all over metro manila because of work. Work that has nothing to do with our job description. We are allowing ourselves to be exploited for the glory of the company that we are not quite sure will prosper. I'm not through with work yet. I even stayed in the office till later in the night.

Knowing all that, my co-worker, Ingrid, and I just couldn't let this hell of a week pass by without infusing a bit of insurgence and mischief. Last Wednesday we stayed at greenbelt the whole day. Browsed through books in Powerbooks and enjoyed a cup of coffee in Coffee Bean. Last Thursday, we made separate plans. She went somewhere in the katipunan area while i went around Cubao with my friend Nikki. Though we are still stuck with work that we are supposedly have to do. Here I am, blogging while listening to music and eating export quality chicharon bituka that is being sold by my dad. If you're curious about the chicharon, just message me. And i digress...

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Right now, a friend of mine is having a grand time kayaking in Palawan with her boyfriend. While, i am stuck here with unfinished workload and a boring social calendar. Though i don't want to talk about that. My mind is very scattered right now. I keep on thinking of random thoughts.

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Most of my life, I felt I have been always on a search for something. I have been always on the lookout on where i feel that I truly belong. Perhaps being this lost is the evidence of my scattered brain right now. I keep on wondering why people have their own little niches where they are comfortable in. they always have someone to share something they are interested in. But, when it comes to my life I seem to be a lonely hitchhiker. Am i destined to be like this? To be a lone wolf in this urban jungle?

I am not in any way undermining my relationship with my friends (i love them to death) though it seems that we have very varied interests that we have difficulty in meeting in the middle and share something that we are gaga over. Is it because my karmic cycle dictates that i have this sort of lifetime? I like going to Cubao X to hang around its cafe's. Or going on a spontaneous road trip somewhere in the North or South of Luzon. Though, I go alone. The rest of my friends are mallrats and homebodies. There is nothing wrong with their choice of recreation. I do enjoy the same things.

Perhaps being eccentric is the problem.

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Since I am in the zone of knowing myself, i would like to fish some htings from friends. Thanks to Marian, I have dicovered this site where i can find out what my friends think about me. hehehe.

click on this link: johari Window

I hope you guys have some time to check it out. you were able to spare time to read this blog anyways. hyukhyuk!

Kudos to Up Dharma Down

After buying the album fragmented and having listened to it, I knew right there and then that the album would sell like pancakes. And it actually did. The album was sold out on the day it was launched. People were ganging up to buy one that night. Even record stores are noticiong it, a lot of people were asking for their album. The CD's haven't even reached the shelves yet. People are buying it already. It was crazy. Though it is a no brainer why. The band was able to capture people of diverse interests and pin them down with their own style of music.

Before, whenever I talk about them, my friends would just give me a puzzled look and say, "Up Dharma who? are they from UP or something?". I would curse the high heavens for giving me an oh so eccentric interest. Yet, now, The band seems to be all over the place. I now have a hard time in catching up with the latest buzz about them. Even my friends who were clueless before are now devout "dharmalites". I now realize that this band is destined to sweep the country off its feet and bring them together with their brand of music.

With that, I raise my glass and offer a toast to a remarkable band that I happened to get the chance to listen to and be spirited away by their music. Kudos to you guys! Kampai! *clink*

P.S.

If you still don't have a copy of their album, I advise you to run off and buy one or risk missing half of your life.

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I have been getting a lot of messages from my friends about my name being written in the album's sleeve. Please, stop bugging me. I don't know why either. Though, I only know that Ean is a friend from college. That's it. No special explanations or whatever. I was also surprised when I saw my name there. But, I feel honored all the same to be acknowledged by a talented musician. Lol! grabe! sikat na kayo!

something something

I am minutes away from leaving the office to embark on something that could define my future. In fact I should not be writing about this since this is what i call as a "covert operation". With one wrong move, My entire career would fall apart (like as if i have a career to boeast about).

Strange things seem to polarize itself to me lately since this year started. And it is quite stressful at the same time as it is exciting. Though i am resigned to the fact that there is a great chance that I would be abandoning the degree that I earned in college. I still am enjoying these change of events.

Well, i do believe in one thing right now: Chinese Horoscope.

To give an overview on what this means is that when i tried those superstitious stuff (yeah i know, people who know me would just roll their eyes at me for this tone i am using) for the lunar calendar, well.. let's just say that "this is my year" as the fortune teller likes to put it. Ergo, this would mean an uplift in career with the help of benevolent people. so there.

P.S.

The fortune teller said that this is the year also for finding love for myself. It made me laugh..

though, it doesn't hurt to just hope for it, right?

Refuge

When will I see

The golden light of dawn?

When will I feel

The warmth of

The burning sun?

When will I depart

From the chill of

The shining moon?

I am tired of

The grim embrace

Of the darkness.

But, I can do nothing.

Still, I shall dwell in the shadows.

Facing the east.

Eyes on the horizon,

Waiting patiently for a sign of light.

A day for pizza and of prizes and books...

We are having Pizza for Lunch today. Yum! Ingrid is having a craving for one right now. Thus, we have one delivered to the office. It's perfect timing if you ask me since there is nobody in the office right now but us. No issues surfacing after a good meal. This is a big deal for people here actually that's why we do not have food delivered usually. Well, for now we indulge in hedonistic eating. rowr...

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When I got here in the office and opened my email i had a good treat to start my day! Click the city emailed and informed me that I won for myself passes and a T-shirt of the movie Big Time. A nice treat indeed. And their office is in the same building as ours. A nicer treat. I can just drop by anytime whenever I am free. By golly wow! harhar..

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Right now, I am juggling through a lot of books. It is my fault actually collecting and buying a lot of books lately. I advice people that if they can't multitask when reading, unless they read very fast, buy one book at a time. A folly that bookworms are guilty of. Yesh! Sad but I can't resist. Here are the books that I am reading:

1. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
2. Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
3. Underground - Haruki Murakami
4. The Gangster of Love - Jessica Hagedorn
   

To get a better picture; for example I am reading Rushdie right now and I got tired of his story by chapter 4, then I proceed to Hagedorn where i left off which is chapter 12, so on and so forth. It could get quite confusing as a matter of fact. There is the tendency that characters, plots and/or setting could get mixed up in your brain and eventually you get to formulate a new story of your own. hmm... that could be handy for creative writers... I guess it is not that bad. I love reading anyways. *bow*

Down the Drain

Right now, I am feeling down because I am resigned to the fact that i would not be able to go to film school this time. Boohoo for me I guess. My mother is at it again, not giving her approval. After all the years of waiting to graduate with the course that she approves of, my mother is still the bane of what i want to do.

Back in high school, I was determined to be a lawyer. I thought i wanted to be one. I was preparing myself for things to come for a career in legal services. I practiced giving speeches too. Then, the dreaded time came.

On the latter half of the school year of being a sophomore, the guidance center sent a letter to my parents asking in what career track they are most interested in for me. Right there and then, I knew that my mother knows how to burst my bubble. My mom (For the purposes of this blog shall be called Ms. Minchin from the Princess Sarah Cartoon as my siblings enjoyed calling her that) had a talk with me and made her intentions known. She wanted me to be a doctor. When I told her, Ms. Minchin, that I wanted to take up communications or any pre-law course or maybe dabble in something creative, she dimissed my plea. She said that I have my forte in science and money is in the medical field. But, I don't give a damn about the money. But, she refused to hear me out. I guess what fueled her idea of I becoming a doctor is this one medal I got in a Science Quiz Bee in Sixth grade and the praises she raved about me being a scientific genious. This produced a big "oh no" for me... It was just my interest in reading! When I was younger I read encyclopedias as a hobby since those were the only available reading material besides Nancy Drew. Sheeshh.

Won over, I took up Human Biology in DLSU and got saddened with it imensely. Although I did not have difficulties in academics, I started flunking subjects here and there. I failed classes, though unconciously I deliberately did it to make a point. Though still, that point wasn't heard.

After flunking classes I got dismissed by the school, which Ms. Minchin dreaded but still happened. At that time, I felt very lost on what to do or whatever. A lot of emotions like, deppression and anger filled me. And my one way of dealing with it is to write about it through poetry, mostly. That's when my friends told me I have a knack in writing. So there, I joined the editorial team of the school paper I transferred to which is CSB. Though the course i took there (Consular and Diplomatic Affairs) was not really I had in mind, (yes, Ms. Minchin again) at least i had a mild interest in it. And besides i got to go to the States (specifically New York) alone for an OJT because of it. So, it is not that bad. Also, It is also a communications course that could lead to Law or even writing etc. It was my father's idea. But, to his dissapointment, I lost my interest in going into Law School. I guess I just found myself already. And Law school wasn't for me.

I have to give credit to my father for not meddling into things and for just being complacent on whatever I want to do. I loved him for that. Yet, his inaction about all the goings on is reproachful. It wouldn't hurt to defend me once in a while.

Perhaps, this is my fate. Through connections and all, I was able to get a job in a field I am interested in. With all these new things life has to offer me right now, I thought I was already free. I can now concentrate on Photography or writing or production, film or even in advertising. Though I lack in expertise, I just have to go study again about those stuff.

An avenue opened when the filmschool of Marilou Diaz-Abaya located in Ortigas contacted me and expressed their interest in processing my application to their school. Assuming that all is well with my Mom, having graduated and bagging a job, I told her about the school and I would be needing financial support with it since the fees are expensive. And of course to my surprise, like the Ms. Minchin that she is, a smack of disapproval was delivered to my face. She said, "There is no money in that type of work".

My contention is that I am not into something because of the money. I aim to achieve fulfillment in a career that I want. Yet still, the bane of I finding that once again slithers into existence. I am troubled because I feel I will grow old full of frustration and sadness. Welled up inside making myself bloat till my skin streches out and tears apart.

But, I have learned to fight this poison. Starting to get immune actually. I know and I have resolved that I will get what I want one way or another. Even if i have to go through an eye of a needle I would do so. If That is what it takes. One thing I have learned is to be resourceful. I just have to make a good strategy. hehe.

Now that I have vented all of my rants out of me. I am feeling much better now. I am ready.

Emo Mode: Off