The Shadow Roars!

I just like this picture that I took with one of our cats here at home. Just wanted to share it. Her name is Shadow. I christened her with that name because she is all dark-colored similar to a Hyena's. Then when she arrived in our yard, she would be wary of people around her, hiding in every crevice, nook and cranny just to evade any moving bodies. Sort of like a Ninja. An unknown warrior with unknown purpose and name. Nobody knows how old she is or where she came from. Just lurking around Shadows. harhar. She now resides in our yard and has already warmed up and learned to trust us. She loves cuddling with people.

Life in stereo

I miss listening to stereos. Those bulky boxes that adorn livingrooms and bedrooms. The ones that you see in movies and television shows where they crank up the volume and party the night away while having profound epiphanies which end in disasters. I have one in my room. A stereo/amplifier kind of sorts. But it is all busted up now. No thanks to the house help's clandestine usage of it. Funny enough, we don't even bother having it fixed. Not a care in the world. We just watch it gather dust like a child seeing snow for the first time.

I blame humanity's new found reliance to the wonders of technology. Today, we could always count on our computers and MP3 players (the gorgeous but ghastly IPod) to satisfy any musical cravings that we may have churning our insides. It's like feeding your beloved rabid dog with class A caviar. Even if it is more expensive. We could always buy stereos now anywhere. On the streets of the metro and stalls in Tiangges and flea markets. We could even buy it in groceries in a very cheap price. The same price as buying a bunch of CD's in one go. But we don't buy them. Instead, we rally to the nearest fancy electronics store and complain about the overpriced device but hook up with it anyway, learning the power of credit along with it.

Stereos still has, and will always have this old charm. Listening to it during an afternoon spell or even while it lulls you to sleep at night. Letting the music escape through the circular speakers and fill the room a certain kind of vibe. Letting the music dance around the room as if to celebrate its liberation from an oppressive box. As you get entranced with the dance and let you slip away and dream dreams that you haven't seen before.

I guess music is an experience. Lately we only hear or listen to music, even dance with the beat. But we don't really experience it. I have been told that tracks in a CD is arranged in a certain way because it has to be listened that way. The arrangement maximizes what the musician wants. It was i suppose meant to take us away to someplace else and see visions. Whatever that means. Though i agree. It is nice to listen to CD's from the first to last track. sometimes I come back panting. But now, with a million assorted songs at our disposal, we get shorter attention spans and get bored and move on to the next song we seem to like listening next. We get fragmented and disconnected. We do not have value to anything and anything is subject to disposal at the end of brief lives. Like nothing matters anymore and everything are just mere objects.

And then I am just rambling. I do not know where this is headed. Although, what i know is that if you like the IPod just because it maximizes your cow licks or it really goes well with your bag and you feel you really look happening with headphones placed in your ear eventhough music is not playing, you might as well have just skipped this post and went on with your life. hehehe.

Vigor have crept up the ceiling. Some are hiding high above, behind the curtain the others lurking behind closets, crouching with hands covering their heads eluding a feral beast. Energy has decided to relive second chilhoods and played hide-and-seek. The dampness of the august rain hovers above roofs like a cloud from where it came from and settled down on every imaginable crevice. Leaving thin strips of ribbon on the gutter. Slithering away to look for a nest. Effervescent. Gray. Dirty.

I die from non-activity. Swirling, spiraling into a forced stupor.

hey listen...

I have been going over stuff I have posted in a blog in my networking site account. I was just surprised to have encountered a post that I made years ago. Ho-hum... To be young and so emo, words coming from Ingrid, who is a friend of mine. Yes, youth can be sweet yet, tumultuous at times. An oxymoron. An irony. A sarcasm. Confusing times as it may seem but, youth is delightfully chaotic.

Here is the post as written:

hey Listen!

i have come to think that i am getting nowhere with my creative writing. i hone myself and create endlessly and yet, nothing. even with my visual arts.

sometimes i wonder why i keep on writing with no readers, no addresee's, no critics. it seems all just a waste of my time and energy.

i also wonder why i keep on wasting money with rolls of film and processing expenses. i wonder why i bother to compose images in my minds eye without anyone receiving my messages that are conveyed. not even just appreciation of aesthetic elements of my products.

i'm an arrow that soars endlessly, seeking a target that is not there to begin with. or is it that this aspiration will not be satisfied? am i just like a child that reaches for the brilliance of the dancing stars?

is it just out of my league? not meant to be?

i need to do some evaluation. i need to find something. eventhough i don't know yet what that something is. i will still try to find it. whatever it is. i hope luck is on my side.

oh, yes.... what was I thinking??? Still, years later I find myself still pushing through it all. An arrow still looking for its target. Aspiring without the hope of satisfaction. An adult now yet still has this child within reaching for the dancing stars above. Only faith I guess guides me through. That's all I have for now. Geez... I'm not getting any younger, I'm at my wit's end. Save me!

O.D. on Drugs

Nope, I did not overdose on drugs. It was rather an Odd Dream on drugs, among other oddities frolicking inside this thick head of mine. It was quite a lucid dream if you ask me. The sensations that rushed through my skin, the smell that wafts around my nose hairs, the uproaring feeling just underneath the skin writhes and rolls around as it refuses to depart my consciousness into the realm of the oblivion. It still lingers around my brain as I write.

To give closure to these shenanigans, I will try to recall some of them. These dreams are so crazy, so don't blame me if you develop something vile from reading this. Consider yourself forewarned.


Dream #1:

I was supposedly reading a piece of literature outfront at home, with a cigarette between my fingers. It was a dreary and cloudy mid-afternoon. A breeze was constantly blowing, making my skin cool to the touch. Then came a black car and parked just outside our gate. Then came down a gorgeous person (I actually recognized the person, I'll just keep it a secret) rushing towards me. I was surprised at this unexpected arrival and as I looked into the person's eyes I saw desire and a certain kind of intensity that heats up the air around. A feeble, "what are you doing here?" came out of my mouth as the person approached me. In reply, the person (here's the eeew, corny, baduy part...) pressed
an index finger on my lips and said "I don't give a shit what they say!" with such power I could feel fire rushing through every inch of my veins that made my blood boil. Then the person locked lips with me as both our bloods boil in unison, passion spilling over the pores of our skin flooding the place around us with warm energy. Ruffling each other's hair, crushing each other's bones and skin.

-END-

I can still feel the soreness on my lips. tee-hee. Yeah, I know the person, and I guess I am crunching. Though, I don't even hope to be with the person. Unless the person would start being less than gorgeous, I don't even stand a chance on getting the time of day. It will just remain perhaps, a figment of my dreams. harhar...

Dream #2:

I was in a dark and posh apartment. I figured it was posh because of the furnishings that surrounded me, very Rockstar + Bobby Trendy kind of way. I am aligned with people forming a not so perfect circle in the middle of the living room. People had smiles on their faces in an evil kind of way and was passing around tubes containing a viscuous clear liquid. I did not recall that I know these people in real life. In the dream I understood it was some kind of new drug, like liquid Cocaine. Everybody was getting their own tubes and breaking them in the middle and dumping this liquid into their mouths as they get high. I followed suit and took one into my mouth. Though I am enjoying myself, I started getting bored with the dope and one of the people in the circle, probably the rich person who owned the place, noticed me. Then he reached out somewhere and took out a syringe filled with heroin. Oh my Gawwd! Then the leader of the pack approached me and took my arm and started slapping behind my elbow trying to look for a prominent vein. Afterwards the guy stuck in the needle and injected the Heroin inside me. I was writhing in ecstasy, sort of like that. I couldn't describe how I reacted to it. It was so sublime. The world around me started to drift away, and my whole body was quivering like hell. There was a faint buzzing sound ringing in my ears and I was screaming in delight. Then after 30 secs. it was all over as people around me were staring at me with satisfied yet evil eyes.

-END-

Well, yeah. I should not read Trainspotting again. That was the last scene in my dream before waking up. The dream was so lucid I felt that the heroin that was injected into me was still in my veins. I lost all sense of reality and confused the dream for something real. It took me a while until I was able to get up from bed, still shivering from the last dream. I don't know what these dream meant but, hell it was reall crazy. It just comes to show that I am at the edge of insanity. Harhar.

Ok. you can throw stones at me now...

Wow, Lemonade

Currently I am exploring the wonders of World of Warcraft. So far I am getting addicted to it. I hereby bid my very blissful non-moving life farewell and say hello again to the world of online gaming. A very sweet counter-productive activity. Adios! My minions are waiting for me. tee-hee...

This game really takes me away from my muse and the conscience that kicks my butt to make me do something productive.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If life gives you lemons, then make lemonade. Then try to find somebody whose life gives them vodka and have a party.

-=*The person who said this eludes my memory. I'll get back on this when I recall who said it.=-

goatees and spectacles

Friday night:

A friend texted that he couldn't help telling me that I remind him of Project Runway. I replied with a "Let me guess, Jay McCarroll?". Sure, I couldn't hold it against him. Opinions should be respected. But, if people around you (not just one) like friends and family share the same thoughts, clearly it's telling something to you.

Then a follow up text came, about how this guy in glasses in a pepsi commercial hollering "hallelujiah" reminded them of me. And then right after came, "Sorry, it's the glasses and the 'Chin pubes' (goatee)".

Really?

I admit I see the resemblance they are pointing out but is it a bad or good thing? I wouldn't mind being mistaken for an artistic genious in the fashion scene (i loved his art deco dress, among others). It's just disturbing, I think.

I'm a type of person who tries to reinvent himself a lot of times. I try to find something different and vibrant. I take in everything around me from all shapes, sizes and color and whip out something different (nothing really brilliant) or ironic or whatever works for me. I get tired of following rules and norms and break them (once in a while) instead. Just to break the monotony.

But now the world has caught up on me. Perhaps I retreated into my own little shell for too long. Or maybe the world got too small and boring. It seems that it takes so much more to move people nowadays. Where a tinge of excitement seems a luxury.

Well, I guess I just have to drop those dark-rimmed glasses of mine and stow it away now. I got bored with it anyway.

of dreams and sparks

When I was younger, ( i still am, mind you) all I ever dreamed of is to have a career where my strengths are put into good use. I wasn't ambitious enough to dream of a six-figure salary. The only requirements that should be met would be that: [a.] I could wear anything that I want to work and [b.] that I could occassionally hang out in public commercial places for brunch on a weekday or even perhaps, [c.] go on an impromptu out of town road trip and breathe fresh air during work hours.

Now that I am older ( a little older, tee-hee), I realized that this lifestyle I wanted was all but just a distant dream. Time has passed and things have definitely changed. If it is for better or for worse, only God knows the answer. It turns out that in order for this dream to take shape is either to have a very lucrative early retirement or be an heir to a business magnate which is of course, a fruit falling far off from its tree. Therefore, I have to dream up a six-figure salary dream and draw out other different kinds of dreams in the process.

But, (there's always a but) life has been always a series of struggles and adversities with a promise of bliss and merrymaking at the end of a thorny rainbow. There is always a balance of Yin and Yang or an intricate web of divine plans. Nobody really gets what they want all the time (unless you are a really, really spoiled brat). What people really get is what they need and receiving what is essential for us would be in the best of our interests, right?

This does not mean that ceasing to dream is the best course of action. Dreaming is what makes men very special creatures. It is a manifestation of that divine spark that we posses. The spark that can part seas and move mountains. It is about rolling with the punches and receiving blows once in a while.

So, here I am still holding on to a handful of dreams with the hope of at least one coming into fruition. Not a single soul knows where it may bring me and my end destination still looks like a broad horizon to me. Onwards I go. Who knows? I might end up with a very lucrative retirement after all.

Photo journal: words and images

From now on I will be using images occasionally as a blog entry. Sometimes I can express myself freely through images when words can only speak only so much. Sometimes, pictures can impart my current state of self (emotions, stream of conciousness, mindset) better than even (warning: Cliche) millions of words. Therefore, Each Photo being uploaded here from now on, besides the fact of my desire to share them (except for other photos), represents who I am or what I am thinking. A metaphor for endless thoughts that I may have. An example of this would be the posted image above. hehe. And of course, I shouldn't be explaining myself to you. It is a free world after all.

Sister's wedding prep update

As I have mentioned in my previous entry, I have been helping my sister with her wedding preparations. This time, our latest accomplishment is this save the date card that I made to be sent out to principal sponsors and people she has to inform that are out of the country(as i have understood of the purpose of it).

I had to shoot a lot of photos of this couple in different poses. The groom is a shy person (camera shy, too), so it was difficult to get good or quirky shots from them. mostly they were uptight shots. But, eventually we were able to manage. I did the layout and design of the card through Adobe Photoshop. The colorscheme of the card is based on (obviously) the motif. Though it was hard getting the exact shades. Tee-hee.

I hope my efforts suffices.

another aimless ramble

It is tough being singled out. Specially when you yourself don't even know where to go or place yourself. A time when you wish you were anywhere but the spotlight. Yet, sometimes, sometime in your life you get this unexpected privelege. It may come from droves of people or it may come from one single soul.

Next thing you know, you are seeing hearts and arrows. You find that Cupid's bow is spinning your mind around. hehe. For the first time in your life you feel like you are something special. Not just a single star drowned out by its neighbors in the galaxy, but a Sun glowing brightly in it's own solar system.

I don't like the attention. I never liked being in the middle of a crazy world. I prefer to be projected as a stoic hermit living inside a cave with a lantern in hand, illuminating his narrow path. I may be like a hermit right now. Since, I have been lodged in the darkness for quite some time now. A swirl of confusion has been my friend, waiting for a ray of light, of clarity, to invade this intimate interaction.

And perhaps, I may be seeing this light of mine slowly integrating into existence. I may have seen this fuel that burns passion. To help me come into my perfect existence, total being. I may have an existing ride in store for me. I better stoke up the fire and bring out the special cutlery and china. Guests will arrive soon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Enough of that rubbish. I'm just giving my fingers some practice. hehehe.

I have been helping my sister with her wedding preparations and our latest accomplishment would be creating illuminaries for her reception. These small lanterns would be placed along pathways and around the pool. This will give the place an uncharacteristic glow and these things are quite romantic.

And we are proud to say that these things we made are just from scrap. yes, from recycle-able materials:

• 1.5 liter pepsi bottle (or any other plastic bottle)
• pebbles/sand from the aquarium or wherever you may find some.
• tea lights/ or any candle that you may have
  
• 1 very sharp cutter
• 1 pair of heavy duty scissors

You may want to try it yourself for a bit of spice to any deep dull and dark place you may have lying around. hehehe

It may not look so great when you see it, but it would be dark out there right? So, nobody would see the jagged edges and other imperfections. hehehe. It just glows nice. wow... me like pretty, pretty lights... I apologize for low quality sample photos.

Do you have money to spare, Mr. Koala Bear?

I have learned a valuable lesson:
I don't mix well with coffee or any caffeinated drink. Lest I suffer uncontrollable fits of insanity. I had to learn it the hard way. Like all the lessons that I have learned in life.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is just a theory but, I will try to prove it:
Wedding + Photography = Career!

And may God have mercy on my soul.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I may not be religious but, I know for a fact that God is punishing me right now. He may have his reasons that I may or may not comprehend. And I bet He's going to see it through to the end. Not that I'm complaining...

Oh, please if ever you are up there... Save me, Superman!

Soulmate on a rainy day

The sun has emerged
from the shadows of the clouds.
Warmth has crept in
to dispel the rainy day.
The Earth starts to glow again,
yet I still haven't found you.

My insides stir...

I walk among the grass,
feeling the mud under my feet.
Bathing in the dampness and filth.
Grounding my spirit.
Halting its search for you
to satiate my insides that churns madly.

Yearning for you...

Sunlight glistens on the
puddle of water.
Full of muck. Rippling waves.
I scoop water out of the puddle
with my hand, hoping to catch
a glint of light that shines.

Like the light I try to catch, I still don't have you.

Prelude

Another leaf is about to be turned over in my biological clock. It seems that I only get older but none the wiser. Tomorrow, once every year, I will be the most self-centered person alive. I deserve the right to be one once in a while. You are forewarned.

I seem to only get older, but never grown up even at the minutest bit. Everybody has their time, I say. I don't know when this time comes. It may come at the most incospicuous of times and places. With the rate that I am going, I may anticipate it in every corner, geared up for the pounce.

Although no body is ever ready.

Each time you wake up, you shed something a part of you like a serpent molting. Each waking moment embodies a different you. A side which you never knew was inside you all along.

Dreams are surreal. You never know what's true and what's not. A convergence of truth and fiction. Though there are a lot of contention which are which.

Change is a constant. It is in our selves. We learn not to antagonize it. And learn more in the process. We are caught in the tumult of an eternal waltz.

Discovery nourishes wonder. Wonder spawns delight.

A new dawn brings forth new beginnings, a penumbra of a new adventure. Each moment you open your eyes you're never the same again.

Passport Fiasco

My brother is currently getting his own passport. My sister wanted to treat us this month with a trip to Hong Kong. My mom, being the dutiful mother that she is, started to get things ready for us.

Then one night she approached me and said my passport is missing and then blames me with the infamous finger pointing. Surprised of the news, I started denying the fact while I was getting all flustered. And surely, without incurring any dissapointment from me, she doesn't listen and orders me to look for it.

And guess what?

Days later she found my passport hidden amongst the pile of rubbish inside her drawer. Under all of those, whatever they might be, papers and perhaps trash. I gave her (with feelings) an apologize-now look. And she just gave me a very very very big grin as a reply.

I hate it when she does that.

Musings of an Ant in the summertime (The Ant and I)

It was the height of summer. As expected of the season, a sweltering heat works up the neighborhood that I am living in. Seeking refuge from the scorching midday heatwave, I decided to take a whiff of a refreshing summer breeze at the porch outside the house with a cold glass of ice water in hand. Not that It would greatly affect the situation, but to at least have done something in vain than not doing something at all.

I scanned the area that surrounded me and gave a exasperated sigh. Everything in sight bathes in the radiance of the summer sun, the tall mango trees at our neighbor's lawn, the glowing street pavements even the street signs were giving off an uncharacteristic brightness. A breeze would blow once in a while, yet it doesn't appease my situation with its warm air tracing my sweat moistened skin.

"Nope." I said to myself. There's no escaping the heat.

Placing the glass on top of a black metal table on the porch with a bonsai plant in the middle, nothing great about it. It's just black. I sat down in a matching black metal lounge chair, leaning my head back. Savoring the numbness of my head. I glanced at the bonsai that was placed in the middle of the metal table and saw an ant carrying a somewhat large chunk of bread. Well, large for the ant I presume. I watched the Ant for a while and realized that it was going in circles. walking at the edge of the pot that the Bonsai plant is in. It kept on doing that fr several minutes until I decided to strike a conversation.

"Hi, Mr. Ant. I was observing you for quite some time now and it seems that you have been circling around the bonsai plant several times" I said.

"Oh yes, I did not notice you sitting there." The ant answered while taking a glance of me then resuming its circular path of walking.

I noticed a different expression from the ant's face and asked,"Might you be in a tight situation?"

"I must admit I am." He said as a matter of factly speaking.

"What is the problem then?"

"I'm lost"

"Lost?"

"Yes."

I was surprised to hear that answer. It was the first time I heard that an ant got lost. Then he went on, explaining the situation.

"Here I was carrying this great find of a food to bring back home to our hill then all of a sudden I just lost the trail that was made by my brothers and I am having a hard time locating it again. I must have strayed far since I have been trying to find the trail for a few hours already. And still I couldn't find my way back."

"whoa, quite a dilemma there." I said sincerely.

"It's nothing I should be worried about." the ant said earnestly. "I know everything will turn out fine."

"How can you be so sure?" Said I. "Nobody can be so sure that everything would be alright in the end."

The ant suddenly stopped on its tracks. Took a great look at me. He then suddenly smiled and said,"Well, nobody can be sure that everything would not be alright either. Don't you agree?"

Feeling like a debater losing an argument I just responded,"you've got a point there mister."

"Yes, I know I have a point here. Nobody knows what may come their way in the future. Life can be very capricious and give you something that you don't expect. You may like it or not, though you are powerless over it. If it gives you something pleasant then congratulations. If it gives you something bad, tough luck. We aren't in the position to complain."

The Ant placed down the large chunk of bread he was carrying and continued on,"Life is not about getting what we want and enjoying the high life. Then It would be boring that way, don't you think?"

I responded with an earnest nod, beads of sweat visibly hanging on my temples.

"Life is about how we make out of it regardless of what we have at the moment. It has a lot of twists and turns and enjoying the ride seems the most practical option to take." He then picks up his chunk of bread lying on the soil and said," So, I just keep on going. Nothing else. Besides, moping around does not solve anything. As I said, life can be fickle and perhaps it may have some sort of surprise for you as you turn a corner."

"I sure hope so..." I replied.

The ant then started walking again. Scurrying its feet. "I better get going. I've got to get this food back home. It's almost rainy season."

"Like the ants that you guys are. Always ready for the worst." I reckoned to him.

"I guess so."

"What are you going to do now? Since going around in circles is not doing you any good?" I asked.

"Walk somewhere else I believe is an obvious option."

"Why don't you try going down that pot and try heading east? I have a feeling that something's up there."

"I'll try it then. Nothing to lose. thanks."

"No Problem." I said.

The ant scurried off the pot of the bonsai plant and saw it jump off the edge of the metal table and started heading east. I tried to think about what the ant pointed out earlier while listening to the warm breeze that rustled the leaves around. I shook off the thought shaking my head."Pointless thinking is worse than not thinking at all" I said to myself.

I picked up the glass that I placed on the table, a lot of liquid has condensed on it already leaving a very wet circle on top of where it was placed. I took a sip and placed it back. I took out a pack of cigarettes, Marlboro lights, that I had in my pocket and a black lighter. I took a stick, placed it on my mouth and held the lighter close to the tip and with a deep breath and click lit the cigarette.

I followed the smoke that I blew out from my mouth and led my eyes to a mango fruit hanging on a tree. It looked that it would be ripe soon. Glowing in the brightness of summer.

tell me why

After 6 books that have been released, can you tell me why there was no mention of the main characters of Harry Potter taking a bath? The fourth book about the triwizard tournament being an exception. We found out that there is a big big big bath tub for PREFECTS only. So, do they have to be motivated by life threatening situations before they even wet their hair? Are Prefects the only one who has the right to be squeaky clean and stink-free? Why is that Hogwarts does not house any more baths that is open to the general studentry besides that of the the one only for prefects? For the professors? How about them?

Harry, living in Privet drive over the summer doesn't even go to the bathroom for anything. Surely the Dursley's would have a water closet lying around the house.

I am just so diturbed with the thought. It is just so weird that they don't even feel the need to wash away filth.

But, I have come to a conclusion... Their wands!! Though there was never any mention of them swishing around their wands onto themselves to get cleaned up though. Is it too private of a matter that you couldn't get even a hint of it that they take care of their personal hygiene?

And then I get disturbed again. Oh, the cycle... the cycle...

A Better Ressurection

I have no wit, I have no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numbed too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
A lift mine eyes, but dimmed with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is like the falling leaf;
O Jesus, quicken me.

~~Sylvia Plath

a slow meandering of thoughts

Sometimes when you try to do something to achieve some desired results, you have to be ready to do some risks along the way. But, whenever you let go of those risks to take its course and try not to think about it, it haunts you even more.

Even when you achieved the endpoint that you wanted, it doesn't feel the way you want it to be. It is as if those risks that you take turn the sweet taste of victory into the sour scent of guilt. Or is it guilt?

Is it guilt or a realization of the difference between black and white? A realization, that he indeed got lost. A dive into the great gray area. A person finding himself lost in the the rabid dance between the concept of right and wrong. If you're not careful enough, it may crush your bones into fine dust with a swish. Leaving you with nothing else but the jelly-knees.

I once heard that:

"Usually, people make self-destructive choices, not because we want to nor we don't have a choice. But, rather we choose to go through hell with our own doing because it feels so much better when we stop."

So does this explain my behavior assuming that i made bad choices? I hope so. Though, I believe it is more complicated than we think.